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更新时间：2023-11-09 20:26
详细剧情
喜剧演员艾维·辛格是这样一个人：非常介意自己的犹太人的出身；自认为有童年阴影，看了十六年心理医生没见好转却一直付钱看；有点阿Q精神，但对人生却充满消极；喜欢一直讲无聊的笑话正因为自身的神经质特质，艾维经历了两次失败的婚姻。艾维遇到了安妮――一直梦想成为歌星的女孩，两人渐渐堕入爱河。安妮在艾维的帮助下歌唱技巧迅速提高，但她的父母却反对她与艾维来往。安妮得到了唱片商托尼的注意，获邀前往好莱坞灌录唱片，艾维跟着前往了好莱坞向安妮求婚
长篇影评
1 ) 其实，艾维.辛格并不理解什么是爱。
我很喜欢伍迪.艾伦的电影风格和拍摄技巧，但我不太喜欢他所表达的东西。
《安妮.霍尔》里的艾维.辛格，年龄偏大，个子矮小，头发稀少，控制欲强，神神叨叨，满嘴弗洛伊德，愤世嫉俗，自命清高，估计性能力也不咋地。我不禁纳闷，生活中会有女人喜欢这样的男人吗？女人们应该对这样的男人避而远之才对啊。我看很多人说因为他是个喜剧演员，比较幽默。但我在影片中看到的是他只能在台上讲着事先写好的无聊段子，逗人一笑罢了，在生活中他却是个不折不扣的无聊的、乏味的、令人讨厌的人。一个神经质、娘们唧唧、自我为中心、只盯着生活的阴暗面、整天抱怨却并不能解决哪怕一点实际问题（害怕蜘蛛和龙虾、连车都不会开）的废物而已。
面目可憎
但伍迪.艾伦是编剧和导演，他怎么意淫都行。于是我们在影片中看到，艾维只是因为在后台不停抱怨自己在另一个单口相声演员之后登场，就能把到一个在我看来十分漂亮的妹子，难道仅仅是因为这个妹子的论文（具体啥题目我忘了）是关于文学和政治之类的狗屁，而艾维.辛格像机关枪一样的嘴里喷出来的都是普通人听也听不懂的文艺理论，于是恰好把妹子听的崇拜不已？而仅仅是因为他与安妮在街边因为一个叫大卫的教授吵了一架，他的朋友给他介绍了另外一个姑娘（谢莉.杜瓦尔演的那个，这妞居然也是闪灵的女主角），叫啥我也忘了，当天晚上就把人家给上了。还有，仅仅是因为安妮跟艾维一起打了场网球，安妮就喜欢上了这个小老头一样的男人，跟他的对话还那么的尴尬。难道这个艾维.辛格是个情圣？但我在影片中丝毫没有感觉到他有什么作为情圣的特质啊。
屁话一堆
好吧，姑且就算他博学，妹子们也觉得他很有趣，一开始崇拜他，然后爱上他，就像安妮那样。但是从影片的走向看，艾维和安妮的最后分手也是注定的。
我喜欢安妮，她是一个正常的女孩，单纯、乐观、大方、率真、对生活充满热情，网球打得不错，车也开地很猛，无非读书不多，但可能这正是她具备上述优点的原因。
美丽单纯
但是艾维嫌弃人家跟他无法神交，于是强迫人家去上成人大学，带人家去看什么纳粹屠杀犹太人的电影（就因为他自己是犹太人），还让人家去读那些关于死亡的狗屁书籍，好让人家能更理解他的精神世界，让他自己不再那么孤独。在我看来，艾维浑身上下都是书读多了的那些“知识分子”身上的臭毛病：迂腐、软弱、情商低、事儿又多、自己啥也干不好还总觉得这也不对，那也不对，谁也瞧不起。好吧，安妮因崇拜他而爱上他（虽然我觉得这事儿并不合逻辑），于是听了他的话，去读了成人大学，可他又嫌弃人家跟教授走得近，于是跟人家吵了一架。吵完之后他看到路边有一对恩爱情侣，于是上前问人家如何这般甜蜜，人家说：可能因为我们比较浅薄吧，我们没什么想法。哈哈，在我看来这个回答真是把艾维.辛格的脸打得啪啪响。一个整天胡乱思考爱情，觉得自己很博学、很有深度的“中产知识分子”，结果却处理不好自己的感情生活，而不去思考这些的人，却能恩爱甜蜜，多讽刺啊？
单纯碾压了复杂
安妮想跟他住在一起，他不愿意，觉得自己的私人空间受到了打扰；安妮有唱歌梦，而且也得到了唱片公司老板的赏识，艾维却出于私心，不让安妮去参加人家的聚会（即使他之前鼓励过安妮，我认为那也是他为了得到安妮的权宜之计）；安妮跟他一起去西海岸，喜欢上了那里，他又因为自己不想离开纽约，反对人家追求自己的梦。但是最后安妮终究有了自己的意识，她终于明白，自己跟艾维不是一路人，两个人是不可能在一起的，所以她勇敢地离开了他去追求自己更有意义的生活。艾维后悔了，他又去西海岸找安妮，想挽回安妮并且要安妮同意跟他结婚，安妮拒绝了。说实话，我看的时候好害怕安妮会答应，但安妮果断拒绝并开车离开了，我松了一口气。
果断离去
安妮作出了对的选择。即使她以后事业不一定成功，即使她又回到纽约，我也认为她以后的生活比跟艾维.辛格在一起更有意义。
其实，艾维.辛格并不理解什么是爱。
影片的开始和最后，他的独白和他讲的那几个笑话（虽然并不好笑），都把责任归咎给了生活和爱情本身，说什么爱情本来就是这样复杂，我们每个人都知道爱情复杂无常，但还是需要爱情。我觉得这是不公平的。
还是屁话
艾维.辛格自私、迂腐、神经质、胆小懦弱、自命不凡、讨厌新事物，为自己犹太人的身份感到自卑，他时时刻刻需要控制自己的女伴，否则就会感到不安。他跟安妮在河边大桥下散步时，安妮说爱他，他也说爱人家，甚至说：“爱这个字不足以表达我对你的感情”。但实际上他是怎么做的，大家都有目共睹。他以自我为中心，讨厌跟自己意见不同的人，讨厌那些比自己学识高的人，也讨厌那些没有学识的人，他甚至讨厌他自己。
时时的不安与自卑
生活和爱情并没有错，它们没有义务为某个人的愚蠢而背锅。世界上生活幸福、爱情和谐的人有很多。像艾维.辛格这样的人，根本没有资格把自己处理不好生活和爱情的责任甩到生活和爱情身上。他这样的怪人，生活和爱情怎么会好呢？他并不应该整天觉得自己有多深刻，而是应该正视自己的缺点，把自己变成一个正常人（就像他在街边遇到的那对“浅薄但恩爱”的情侣），再来重新思考生活和爱情的意义。
说实话，以前的我，非常像艾维.辛格，我在看这部电影时，感到电影讽刺的就是以前的我。但我没有艾维.辛格那样幸运，至少他还能把到几个漂亮妹子。而我直到30岁时，才意识到自己满身的缺点，进行了深刻地反思并且重塑了自己的价值观，才谈了我人生中的第一场恋爱。但幸运的是，我第一次恋爱就遇到了我的真爱，并且结婚生子。
什么是爱，我在30岁时才彻底明白：爱不是索取、控制、满足欲望或者一时冲动；爱是自律，是付出，是包容，是牺牲。一段好的爱情，当然需要神交，而且神交确实比性交重要，但这并不意味着别人就要完全按照你的意志去做。一段好的爱情，应该让双方都变得更好、更自信才对，最好能够互相欣赏。
抱怨和指责并不会解决爱情中产生的问题，爱情需要努力地经营。电影《七宗罪》里，摩根.弗里曼说：挣钱比花钱要难，教育小孩比打骂小孩要难，经营婚姻比离婚要难，爱费心费力，并且成本高昂，需要努力和坚持才行。
这段话很深刻，对我影响很大
而艾维.辛格显然并不理解这些，他自私，不包容，不愿意为别人牺牲，只在乎他自己的感受。
其实，伍迪.艾伦也可能并不理解什么是爱。
《安妮.霍尔》是部半自传电影，我觉得艾维.辛格其实很像伍迪.艾伦自己，而电影里艾维.辛格的毛病也可能就是伍迪艾伦自己身上的毛病，艾维.辛格对于两性的观点很大一部分也是伍迪艾伦自己的观点。电影里对艾维.辛格这类人，与其说是讽刺，还不如说是自嘲。
伍迪艾伦之前结了两次婚，都离了。他也交往了好几任女友，米娅法罗甚至为他生了俩儿子，但最后还是分手。后来他甚至娶了自己的养女。而在之前的ME TOO运动中，伍迪艾伦也卷入其中，甚至曝出他猥亵七岁女童的新闻。而我坚信，一个懂得什么是爱的男人不会是这样的人生。一个人事业上的成功并不能说明他的心智和品德都是成熟的。一个导演，导出来的片子很成功，也不能说明他在影片里表达的观点就总是对的。
最后我要说，我非常喜欢这部电影的拍摄手法，比如伍迪艾伦直接对着镜头跟观众讲话；排队时跟别人辩论时直接把书的作者从广告牌后面拉出来；老师批评年幼的艾维时，成年艾维突然出现在座位上；跟骑警表达自己观点时插入白雪公主的卡通；跟安妮讲述自己童年经历时，直接把画面呈现给现在的自己。这些拍摄手法真是富有想象力，到现在都不过时。还有，1977年，我们国家WENGE刚结束，而人家美国就已经是电影里那样了，差距啊。
所以，我喜欢伍迪艾伦这部电影的风格和拍摄技巧，但我不喜欢他所表达的东西。
2 ) 中国人的身高控
十年前，我身高1米6，经常被班里的大个子男生欺负，每当我哭哭啼啼地回到家中，我那个身高1米65的表哥就耐心地鼓励我：
别灰心，小个子男人日后更容易成功，不信你就看看拿破仑和邓小平！
十年后，我那个依旧身高1米65的表哥为我调整好汽车副驾驶座下的旋钮，然后送我上了机场高速路，在旅途中我听见他不时地唉声叹气。
那时他刚刚离婚，老婆跟一个身高1米8的大块头跑了，还带走了他半辈子积攒起来的数百万家产（除了一辆00年产的破烂本田雅阁）
他一手握着方向盘，一手点燃一支烟，莫名其妙地叙述起一些陈年往事
“小凯，你知道我这辈子最记恨的人是谁吗？”
“不知道”
“是大伯！我小时候寄养在他们家的时候，他整天给我吃咸菜，弄得我营养不良才会长不高！”
“喔......”
我那时真不知该如何安慰这个比我大9岁的悲愤青年，也许整整十年的世事变迁已经不能够再令我对某种苦恼感同身受。但我却分明感到心头有一丝暗暗的庆幸。
当我看到1米65的Woody Allen被深爱着的Annie Hall抛弃的时候，类似的庆幸再次从心头升起。
我知道这种庆幸意味着什么：在生命中某个重要的时段，我没有整日吃咸菜，甲状腺激素也没有彻底抛弃我。当我16个月长17公分的时候，我甚至还曾为每日骚扰我的生长阵痛感到愤怒不已。
倘若没有这种庆幸，如今的生活也许就要变一番模样了。
我不知道还有多少国家的女人会像中国女人那样把异性的身高看得如此之重。大学时代，我曾经认识一个外系的女生，人长得娇小可爱，可是择偶的标准却让人汗颜：“只找身高1米8以上的男朋友，长得黑一点丑一点的也无所谓。”
瞧瞧晚报的征婚版面，所有男性都伸长了脖子冒充大个儿，70的写75，75的写80，80的写85，90的写两米······仿佛谁要写了65，谁就板上钉钉地光棍儿一条。
还有那些个男明星，大陆的就暂且不说了，港台的那些：郭富城、谢霆锋、甚至吴彦祖，官方数据基本上都有3——8公分的水分。还有邻国日本，按理说应该他们的文化就是推崇袖珍美少年，可是木村拓哉、泷泽秀明等等，清一色地喜欢穿增高鞋。尽管这帮帅哥的身高在本国并不怎样让人诟病，可到了中国来，这虚报身高的消息就仿佛春雷一般，引得国人尤其是女性唧唧喳喳，喳喳唧唧······
不过要是把矛头全指向了女性，我总感觉自己有失偏颇了。看看中国足球，那些选人的可不都是男性吗？02年世界杯，中国男子足球队以仅此于德国国家队，排名世界第二的平均身高傲视群雄，结果却捧了个光头回来。
中国男篮也是那个路子，几年前篮协某领导一句话：“球员增重20斤，队伍发展大型化”结果举国上下，从基层到职业队，大家见了2米10的就两眼放光，2米以下的苗子连正眼都不带瞧的。好！几年下来，成果显著，姚明易建联孙悦纷纷去了NBA，可是小个子球员的篮球智商直线下降了数十个百分点。如果你有机会看到国家青年队的比赛，你就不会再为奥运男篮所谓的辉煌感到多么欣慰了。
中国人对诚信这东西兴趣历来不高，但喜欢讲面子却是世界闻名。大个子也是面子工程的一个代表嘛，就如同好大喜功的领导们所推崇的“大高楼、大项目、大手笔”一样，————“非大不足以显我国仪，扬我国威”！
可是一个基本的事实却冰冷地摆在那里：咱们年轻一代的平均身高还不如“小日本”，甚至连伊朗韩国都赶不上，根据06年权威机构提供的数据，中国成年男子的平均身高只有 169.7公分，比日本人足足矮了1公分。如果只有1米8以上的男人才能够的上“合格的中国男人”，那就意味着近9成的中国男人将被淘汰出局。
不过话又说回来了，汤姆·克鲁斯可以当世界偶像那是因为他在美国，美利坚的平均身高比咱儿高了半头，所谓“物以稀为贵”，换了在中国，估计他也就接接私活拍拍电视购物什么的~
至于《Annie Hall》里面的Woody Allen，如果是在中国，他被二流女歌手甩掉的原因很可能不会是他的自大和神经质那么复杂，一句“为了遗传基因考虑”就解决问题了。
而他未来的老婆也许会和我表哥的前妻一样，整天为她儿子的生长激素提心吊胆，一旦恶果酿成，就将把所有的罪责推脱到矮脚虎男人身上。
到那时，你把你青春期如何吃咸菜的悲惨遭遇描述地声泪俱下恐怕也无济于事了。
别灰心，小个子男人日后更容易成功，不信你就看看拿破仑和邓小平！
十年后，我那个依旧身高1米65的表哥为我调整好汽车副驾驶座下的旋钮，然后送我上了机场高速路，在旅途中我听见他不时地唉声叹气。
那时他刚刚离婚，老婆跟一个身高1米8的大块头跑了，还带走了他半辈子积攒起来的数百万家产（除了一辆00年产的破烂本田雅阁）
他一手握着方向盘，一手点燃一支烟，莫名其妙地叙述起一些陈年往事
“小凯，你知道我这辈子最记恨的人是谁吗？”
“不知道”
“是大伯！我小时候寄养在他们家的时候，他整天给我吃咸菜，弄得我营养不良才会长不高！”
“喔......”
我那时真不知该如何安慰这个比我大9岁的悲愤青年，也许整整十年的世事变迁已经不能够再令我对某种苦恼感同身受。但我却分明感到心头有一丝暗暗的庆幸。
当我看到1米65的Woody Allen被深爱着的Annie Hall抛弃的时候，类似的庆幸再次从心头升起。
我知道这种庆幸意味着什么：在生命中某个重要的时段，我没有整日吃咸菜，甲状腺激素也没有彻底抛弃我。当我16个月长17公分的时候，我甚至还曾为每日骚扰我的生长阵痛感到愤怒不已。
倘若没有这种庆幸，如今的生活也许就要变一番模样了。
我不知道还有多少国家的女人会像中国女人那样把异性的身高看得如此之重。大学时代，我曾经认识一个外系的女生，人长得娇小可爱，可是择偶的标准却让人汗颜：“只找身高1米8以上的男朋友，长得黑一点丑一点的也无所谓。”
瞧瞧晚报的征婚版面，所有男性都伸长了脖子冒充大个儿，70的写75，75的写80，80的写85，90的写两米······仿佛谁要写了65，谁就板上钉钉地光棍儿一条。
还有那些个男明星，大陆的就暂且不说了，港台的那些：郭富城、谢霆锋、甚至吴彦祖，官方数据基本上都有3——8公分的水分。还有邻国日本，按理说应该他们的文化就是推崇袖珍美少年，可是木村拓哉、泷泽秀明等等，清一色地喜欢穿增高鞋。尽管这帮帅哥的身高在本国并不怎样让人诟病，可到了中国来，这虚报身高的消息就仿佛春雷一般，引得国人尤其是女性唧唧喳喳，喳喳唧唧······
不过要是把矛头全指向了女性，我总感觉自己有失偏颇了。看看中国足球，那些选人的可不都是男性吗？02年世界杯，中国男子足球队以仅此于德国国家队，排名世界第二的平均身高傲视群雄，结果却捧了个光头回来。
中国男篮也是那个路子，几年前篮协某领导一句话：“球员增重20斤，队伍发展大型化”结果举国上下，从基层到职业队，大家见了2米10的就两眼放光，2米以下的苗子连正眼都不带瞧的。好！几年下来，成果显著，姚明易建联孙悦纷纷去了NBA，可是小个子球员的篮球智商直线下降了数十个百分点。如果你有机会看到国家青年队的比赛，你就不会再为奥运男篮所谓的辉煌感到多么欣慰了。
中国人对诚信这东西兴趣历来不高，但喜欢讲面子却是世界闻名。大个子也是面子工程的一个代表嘛，就如同好大喜功的领导们所推崇的“大高楼、大项目、大手笔”一样，————“非大不足以显我国仪，扬我国威”！
可是一个基本的事实却冰冷地摆在那里：咱们年轻一代的平均身高还不如“小日本”，甚至连伊朗韩国都赶不上，根据06年权威机构提供的数据，中国成年男子的平均身高只有 169.7公分，比日本人足足矮了1公分。如果只有1米8以上的男人才能够的上“合格的中国男人”，那就意味着近9成的中国男人将被淘汰出局。
不过话又说回来了，汤姆·克鲁斯可以当世界偶像那是因为他在美国，美利坚的平均身高比咱儿高了半头，所谓“物以稀为贵”，换了在中国，估计他也就接接私活拍拍电视购物什么的~
至于《Annie Hall》里面的Woody Allen，如果是在中国，他被二流女歌手甩掉的原因很可能不会是他的自大和神经质那么复杂，一句“为了遗传基因考虑”就解决问题了。
而他未来的老婆也许会和我表哥的前妻一样，整天为她儿子的生长激素提心吊胆，一旦恶果酿成，就将把所有的罪责推脱到矮脚虎男人身上。
到那时，你把你青春期如何吃咸菜的悲惨遭遇描述地声泪俱下恐怕也无济于事了。
3 ) 谁是谁的Annie Hall？
我们也该放松放松了。一直看沉闷的电影怎么吃得消呢？那感觉就像面对一台有无数零部件的庞大机器，你紧紧地盯着它，试图弄明白一条或几条生产线的运行轨迹，然而齿轮接齿轮，履带套履带，最终你完全被这隆隆作响的大家伙绕得晕头转向，所有的线路在你头脑里纠结在一起，成了一团再也理不清的乱麻。
如果你还在坚持，那是你不服输的固执在作祟。不如让我们放松一下，转移你的注意力，试试别的电影。你拥有很多不错的选择:黑帮片，邪典片，现实主义电影，黑色片，歌舞片，无厘头喜剧片……当然，因为你一向秉持严肃的艺术评判标准，所以你要谨慎对待那些商业电影，否则一不小心就会被他们害得恶心，呕吐，内分泌失调。
什么？这些没有你喜欢的？你尝试着表达自己的想法，你需要的是那样一种电影：它表面看上去没头没脑，仿佛就是无意识地把生活中的片断拼凑在一起，然而却有源源不绝的新点子刺激着你；它不要讲什么大道理，最好是嬉笑怒骂，插科打诨，但其中要有你所感兴趣的生活态度或处世哲学；它不必借用任何突兀的效果就能吸引人，并且具有循环往复的魔力，当它结束的时候，你觉得它刚刚开始……
好了，好了！不用继续说下去了。我知道你要的是什么电影。我这里就为了准备了一部：伍迪·艾伦的《安妮·霍尔》。
像你这样的“文艺青年”，是很容易喜欢上一个怪怪的女孩的，像安妮·霍尔这样的女孩。她可能不漂亮，不聪明，不靠谱，但是她有趣，这一点很重要。并不是说她会讲笑话，而是说她具有一种特异禀赋——在你说出某些话时给你美妙回应的笨拙技巧。长久以来，你不就是在寻找一个能听懂你说话的女孩么？于是你拼命地向她灌输你那些没人听也没人懂的理论，把你喜欢的东西（可能就是你在豆瓣上选出的书、电影和音乐）一古脑儿推到她面前，希望她藉此发掘出整个的你，尽管你本人就在她面前。呵呵，不对啊，你强烈的摆脱孤独、建立交流的渴望变异成了偏执的控制欲，她理所当然地感到疲倦，你对她的疲倦感到失望，然后你们都感到彼此若即若离……上天特意造就的两个如此合拍的人，只好就此分道扬镳。当孤独感再次袭来，你意识到这个女孩的宝贵，而你和她的故事，就像生活本身，永远不会圆满。
很可能你运气不好，从未遇上你的安妮·霍尔，这就越发证明了生活的不圆满。你要盘点盘点你自己，看看你是不是有资格成为艾维·辛格。当然艾维·辛格会讲笑话，你不会；或者你会，但只会重复有限的几个。这不是关键，关键是你对人生的感觉是沮丧的还是绝望的。艾维·辛格无疑是前者。他像我们的“文艺青年”一样愤世嫉俗，看什么都不顺眼，一肚子牢骚，但他其实只是在生活中轻微地发泄，骨子里他是懂得避让的，否则他只能是绝望的。他被死亡困扰，但他不被自杀困扰，当他坐上安妮患自杀妄想症的弟弟驾驶的汽车，他差点被吓死。活着非常无趣，但还是要活下去，他是这样一种人。只有对于这样的人，安妮·霍尔才具有最大的意义。而对于绝望的人，安妮的意义很容易被扭曲或不具有意义。什么？你已经绝望了吗？那么放弃关于安妮·霍尔的想法吧。你心中的安妮·霍尔只是一个幻象，其价值等同于一把手枪或一根绳子。
我不能重男轻女，你很可能是一个女孩，那么我打赌你也在等你的艾维·辛格。现在的女人给我一个这样的印象，那就是她们比男人更易于沉醉在一种无聊的生命形式之中。我多么希望世间能有无数的艾维·辛格，来拯救这些女孩，使她们成为安妮·霍尔；然后这些安妮·霍尔再去拯救男孩，使他们成为艾维·辛格；然后这些艾维·辛格……那样的话，这个世界将是艾维·辛格+安妮·霍尔的组合，我也就免了被傻逼们气炸肺之苦了。我假设你——一个有希望成为安妮·霍尔的女孩，现在正徘徊于虚妄与现实之间，沮丧与麻木之间，哲学家与猪之间……要之，你处于一个最需要艾维·辛格的时刻，然而此时走到你身边的男人却不是艾维·辛格，而是东尼。轻率的女孩啊，你几乎百分之百地会立即堕落为一个平平无奇的女子，从此与成为安妮·霍尔的可能性一刀两断。每当想到这样的事情在世界上不停地发生，我心中便替每一个你感到无限惋惜。假如此事发生在一个男孩身上，他却不会因此断绝成为艾维·辛格的可能啊。
既然我已经开始想象你是一个女孩，那么我便无法停下来，我坚定地认为你就是那样一个女孩，你处在无数个东尼的层层包围之中，时刻面临沦陷的危险。我迫不及待地想要见到你，救你脱离苦海，我的人虽然坐在这里敲键盘，但我的心早已挤过电频扫描的闸门进入电脑显示器，穿过丛林一般的电路板，进入我的网线，然后架着电子讯号飞速驶过千千万万条网线纵横交错的高速公路网，拐进你那条独一无二卓尔不群的网路，赶在你关机之前跳到你面前……可是不行，我要先完成这篇文章。我本来打算介绍一下《安妮·霍尔》这部电影的，然而说了半天却等于什么都没说。极有可能偶尔看到这篇文章的你已看过这部电影，或者至少了解这部电影，因为没看过或不了解它的人又怎会被“安妮·霍尔”这个干巴巴的名字吸引呢？既如此，我再说下去还有什么意义呢？你需要靠你自己的理解力和辨别力去感受这部电影，去买来看吧！不管花什么价钱，这部电影会让你感觉物有所值的。
不，现在别急着出门，女孩！把电脑开着。我敲完这最后几个字，就飞过去和你相会啊！
如果你还在坚持，那是你不服输的固执在作祟。不如让我们放松一下，转移你的注意力，试试别的电影。你拥有很多不错的选择:黑帮片，邪典片，现实主义电影，黑色片，歌舞片，无厘头喜剧片……当然，因为你一向秉持严肃的艺术评判标准，所以你要谨慎对待那些商业电影，否则一不小心就会被他们害得恶心，呕吐，内分泌失调。
什么？这些没有你喜欢的？你尝试着表达自己的想法，你需要的是那样一种电影：它表面看上去没头没脑，仿佛就是无意识地把生活中的片断拼凑在一起，然而却有源源不绝的新点子刺激着你；它不要讲什么大道理，最好是嬉笑怒骂，插科打诨，但其中要有你所感兴趣的生活态度或处世哲学；它不必借用任何突兀的效果就能吸引人，并且具有循环往复的魔力，当它结束的时候，你觉得它刚刚开始……
好了，好了！不用继续说下去了。我知道你要的是什么电影。我这里就为了准备了一部：伍迪·艾伦的《安妮·霍尔》。
像你这样的“文艺青年”，是很容易喜欢上一个怪怪的女孩的，像安妮·霍尔这样的女孩。她可能不漂亮，不聪明，不靠谱，但是她有趣，这一点很重要。并不是说她会讲笑话，而是说她具有一种特异禀赋——在你说出某些话时给你美妙回应的笨拙技巧。长久以来，你不就是在寻找一个能听懂你说话的女孩么？于是你拼命地向她灌输你那些没人听也没人懂的理论，把你喜欢的东西（可能就是你在豆瓣上选出的书、电影和音乐）一古脑儿推到她面前，希望她藉此发掘出整个的你，尽管你本人就在她面前。呵呵，不对啊，你强烈的摆脱孤独、建立交流的渴望变异成了偏执的控制欲，她理所当然地感到疲倦，你对她的疲倦感到失望，然后你们都感到彼此若即若离……上天特意造就的两个如此合拍的人，只好就此分道扬镳。当孤独感再次袭来，你意识到这个女孩的宝贵，而你和她的故事，就像生活本身，永远不会圆满。
很可能你运气不好，从未遇上你的安妮·霍尔，这就越发证明了生活的不圆满。你要盘点盘点你自己，看看你是不是有资格成为艾维·辛格。当然艾维·辛格会讲笑话，你不会；或者你会，但只会重复有限的几个。这不是关键，关键是你对人生的感觉是沮丧的还是绝望的。艾维·辛格无疑是前者。他像我们的“文艺青年”一样愤世嫉俗，看什么都不顺眼，一肚子牢骚，但他其实只是在生活中轻微地发泄，骨子里他是懂得避让的，否则他只能是绝望的。他被死亡困扰，但他不被自杀困扰，当他坐上安妮患自杀妄想症的弟弟驾驶的汽车，他差点被吓死。活着非常无趣，但还是要活下去，他是这样一种人。只有对于这样的人，安妮·霍尔才具有最大的意义。而对于绝望的人，安妮的意义很容易被扭曲或不具有意义。什么？你已经绝望了吗？那么放弃关于安妮·霍尔的想法吧。你心中的安妮·霍尔只是一个幻象，其价值等同于一把手枪或一根绳子。
我不能重男轻女，你很可能是一个女孩，那么我打赌你也在等你的艾维·辛格。现在的女人给我一个这样的印象，那就是她们比男人更易于沉醉在一种无聊的生命形式之中。我多么希望世间能有无数的艾维·辛格，来拯救这些女孩，使她们成为安妮·霍尔；然后这些安妮·霍尔再去拯救男孩，使他们成为艾维·辛格；然后这些艾维·辛格……那样的话，这个世界将是艾维·辛格+安妮·霍尔的组合，我也就免了被傻逼们气炸肺之苦了。我假设你——一个有希望成为安妮·霍尔的女孩，现在正徘徊于虚妄与现实之间，沮丧与麻木之间，哲学家与猪之间……要之，你处于一个最需要艾维·辛格的时刻，然而此时走到你身边的男人却不是艾维·辛格，而是东尼。轻率的女孩啊，你几乎百分之百地会立即堕落为一个平平无奇的女子，从此与成为安妮·霍尔的可能性一刀两断。每当想到这样的事情在世界上不停地发生，我心中便替每一个你感到无限惋惜。假如此事发生在一个男孩身上，他却不会因此断绝成为艾维·辛格的可能啊。
既然我已经开始想象你是一个女孩，那么我便无法停下来，我坚定地认为你就是那样一个女孩，你处在无数个东尼的层层包围之中，时刻面临沦陷的危险。我迫不及待地想要见到你，救你脱离苦海，我的人虽然坐在这里敲键盘，但我的心早已挤过电频扫描的闸门进入电脑显示器，穿过丛林一般的电路板，进入我的网线，然后架着电子讯号飞速驶过千千万万条网线纵横交错的高速公路网，拐进你那条独一无二卓尔不群的网路，赶在你关机之前跳到你面前……可是不行，我要先完成这篇文章。我本来打算介绍一下《安妮·霍尔》这部电影的，然而说了半天却等于什么都没说。极有可能偶尔看到这篇文章的你已看过这部电影，或者至少了解这部电影，因为没看过或不了解它的人又怎会被“安妮·霍尔”这个干巴巴的名字吸引呢？既如此，我再说下去还有什么意义呢？你需要靠你自己的理解力和辨别力去感受这部电影，去买来看吧！不管花什么价钱，这部电影会让你感觉物有所值的。
不，现在别急着出门，女孩！把电脑开着。我敲完这最后几个字，就飞过去和你相会啊！
4 ) 知识份子的矛盾爱情阵痛――《Annie Hall》by Woody Allen
“以缺乏智慧为前提，漂亮、美妙、富贵”,是多数男人衡量理想女伴的标准，然而以知识份子自恃的那撮，往往认为如果缺乏和另一半的神交，那些理想的美丽始终会如烟花般退却，热情无以为继。 于是，知识份子们不胜其烦向身边女人灌输他的价值观、他的哲学书、他的审美、甚至自掏腰包逼她去看他的心理医生，务求令女伴拥有他值得欣赏的智慧为止。同时，他认为这是对女伴一种责任和尊重，而非勉强。 讽刺的是一番用心良苦后，爱的女人终于有了想法，可他却发现自己已无法驾驭身边女人的智慧，困于爱情的自私和爱一个人该有的无私之间的取舍中，泥足深陷于预期以外的窘况，无法抽离。 “我永远不会加入有像我这样的会员的俱乐部。”....这是《Annie Hall》里的Alvy Singer（Woody Allen）对自己矛盾爱情观的总结性发言。 整部电影感觉更像Woody在饰演自己，这个对矛盾爱情的无奈的发泄过程，既坦诚又自恋，剧中对白诙谐也有启发。《Annie Hall》能夺当年奥斯卡最佳电影，用心的对白与吊诡的叙事方法是其制胜法宝（如：主角直接与屏幕前的观众、路人进行交流...）。电影里的Alvy（或者说Woody自己）语速快如机关枪扫射，就算看翻译字幕也让人略感吃力，但细读下来，又回味无穷。 成也对白，败也对白，Woody戏内总爱引经据典以大抛书包，这种智慧的炫耀、骨子里的渗透着纽约派知识份子的傲慢和咄咄逼人，这又成为不少观众不爱Woody Allen电影的主要理由。 不否认有时知识份子的架子的确让人反感，他们通常抱着悲观主义态度生活，几乎一切都要拿来辩证唯物，否定多数，最后一无所有。开始Alvy（Woody）以为，一对拥有相近思考深度、相似价值观、相同人生追求的男女一起并肩前行，终点便是快乐，但这答案最后被他自己否定。 个人定义的“知识份子”该是“凡具有独立思考能力并愿意鼓励别人一起参予思考的所有人。”然而生活若在经过深思熟虑之后，便不情愿地发现一切都矛盾，矛盾得无论怎样努力，最后都找不到对的，何止爱情？ 历史上出名的哲学家抱悲观主义的十居其九，而知识份子都爱和哲学沾边，做作地彰显自己看人生的通透，然而通透又如何？古语有云心太清则无福，有时知识份子的矛盾可笑，又发人深省。 最后引用电影开首时Alvy说的一个比喻生活的老笑话： 有两位老妇人去卡茨基尔山旅游。 其中一个说：“哎，这地方的食物可真够糟糕的！” 另一个说：“可不是嘛，给的份量又那么少。” 看，我对生活的看法基本上也是如此： 尽管充满了寂寞、痛苦、悲惨、和不幸， 但又觉得一切都逝去得太快。
5 ) 从叙述学看《安妮•霍尔》
献给我最爱的导演，伍迪•艾伦
献给我最爱的电影
献给我的“安妮•霍尔”
（约12000字）
“你想怎么样？这是我的第一部戏。”
电影末尾，在我们和他一同观看由他导演的，最终“安妮•霍尔”选择与“艾尔维”在一起的戏剧后，艾尔维向我们为他的不诚实（扭曲人物形象与故事结局）进行了简单而无力的辩驳。当然，我们很快就接受并且原谅了这种不诚实，毕竟在此前我们几乎见证了他的童年，几段非常失败的感情，以及与安妮•霍尔的感情发展和结局。他给我们分享了如此多的私密回忆，在这样的坦诚面前，那样的不诚实似乎算不了什么，甚至可以认为这又是他的一次（面向我们的）坦诚的自我暴露，就像他此前展示那些失败的感情那样。也就是说，即使我们看到了他在戏剧中表现出来的不诚实，似乎也不影响他作为一个坦诚的叙述者对我们的诚实。
艾尔维是一个坦诚的，可信的叙述者，论据是影片中他对我们讲述的一切，也就是他的记忆。其中，诸如爱丽丝指责他“用一切借口逃避性”这样的，似乎是对他进行负面揭露的，而且与主叙事无关的段落，并非一个不坦诚的叙述者会讲述的。
但，上述论断有两个谬误。
首先，艾尔维讲述的并不是记忆，显然没有记忆里会有卡通形式的角色的对话，更不用说那些艾尔维打破第四堵墙直接与我们对话的场景。与其说艾尔维是向我们讲述了他的记忆，不如说是向我们展示了他的意识，一种记忆与当下意志的混杂产物。
对话本身是真实发生的而场景完全非现实
其次，既然艾尔维向我们讲述的不再是记忆，那他似乎也不再是个可靠的叙述者了。也许读者会反驳，虽然记忆中参杂了他当下的意志，但无损于记忆本身的真实性，所以他仍然是个可靠的叙述者。那我们不妨考察一组镜头：安妮•霍尔的家庭聚餐上，有组祖母—艾尔维（此时他突然变成了大胡子形象）的镜头，观众会认为这就是祖母的真实视角。但事实上，艾尔维完全无法得知祖母眼中他的具体形象，这组镜头显然超出了他的认知范围。即使认为这是当下意志的作用，读者也需要承认，艾尔维的意志更改了祖母的形象。事实上，关于安妮•霍尔的段落中，这样的例子更明显而且更多，后文会有详细论述。既然艾尔维的意志也会伪装成可信的客观记忆，并对记忆进行一定的“艺术加工”，那么艾尔维就很难再被看作一个可靠的叙述者了。
也许到这里读者会产生疑惑，即使上述反驳成立，似乎也不会产生实际性的影响，无非改变我们对艾尔维的看法，甚至不影响我们对他的同情和喜爱。的确，假如读者会仅仅因为知道艾尔维是个不可靠的叙述者便不再喜爱艾尔维，那只能说艾尔维是个蹩脚骗子，《安妮•霍尔》也不过是个无趣的谎言。
让我们短暂地离开艾尔维，把目光转向一位臭名昭著的不可靠叙述者——小说《洛丽塔》中的亨伯特。诚然，亨伯特并不像艾尔维那般招人喜爱，很大程度上是因为他的行为明显有违普遍的道德规范。但另一方面，小说中亨伯特给出的叙述比艾尔维的要值得同情的多，甚至于几乎把他变成了一个可怜的，被诱骗的牺牲品。而且《洛丽塔》的叙述结构和《安妮•霍尔》也很相似，同样是由超叙述（关于超叙述，简单来说，x讲了一个故事。这个故事是在主叙述层，x在超叙述层）进入由不可靠叙述者叙述的主叙述，最后结束在主叙述。叙述者上，除了同样是不可靠的之外，亨伯特和艾尔维都是有超出主叙述层次的意识的叙述者，即知道自己是主叙述中的主角，也是知道自己是主叙事本身的叙述者，有与观众（亨伯特称之为评审团）对话的能力与意愿。甚至于，叙述模式上，同样是两个较不成熟的女性，主动吸引并“利用”了叙述者，最终变得“成熟”并抛弃叙述者这样的模式。
继续列举两部作品的相似之处并不难，但再多就有离题之嫌。《洛丽塔》在下文也并不会作为对比的对象被反复提及，在此只是借与亨伯特的对比来发问并引出主旨。既然两部作品有诸多相似之处，而且最直观的道德距离上的差距也有被亨伯特精妙的叙述所减弱，那么究竟是什么，让《安妮•霍尔》和艾尔维自然地脱离了在相似之处上对《洛丽塔》和亨伯特的指责，同时赢得我们的喜爱？
至此，我们终于切入了正题。接下来，本文将会从叙述学的角度考察《安妮•霍尔》，对上述问题提出尽可能合理的解答，并且尝试让读者从一个新奇的角度去发现并理解《安妮•霍尔》的趣味和艺术性。
1.叙述层次，叙述者与隐含作者
一位友邻如此评价这部电影：“伍迪艾伦电影里的伍迪艾伦有两重人格，表层天真喜感（脸、神态、语言、动作）的喜剧形象和里层的一个清醒理智的内在，而里层的部分是受信任的、作为导演和观众在一起的，凝视之下的人格反差同时强化了喜剧性和自反性，这是他的结构主义”。
这个评价非常准确。显而易见的是，《安妮•霍尔》中至少有两个时态的艾尔维，过去进行时的和现在完成时的。电影是艾尔维向我们讲述他的经历，这毫无疑问，因此有了基本的叙述层次。现在完成时的艾尔维处于超叙述，他总是对主叙述进行叙述干预，叙述干预是这部电影的喜剧性来源之一。教室里的艾尔维突然让小学同学讲述他们日后的成就，喜剧性来源于从超叙述层介入主叙述并让主叙述的人物做出出人意料的行为。《安妮•霍尔》中独特而有趣的叙述干预是，现在完成时的艾尔维有时候会在主叙述中取代过去进行时的艾尔维，打断主叙述并和我们对话，一方面这提供了很多喜剧段落，另一方面这让艾尔维时刻可以像文章开头那样为他的行为辩解，使我们调整对他的看法。
为了不让读者混乱，在此将过去进行时的艾尔维称为a，现在完成时的则是b，并厘清几个基本事实。首先，《安妮•霍尔》的主叙述的叙述者是b，但主人公是a，因为无论b如何进行叙述干预都不会影响a的经历本身，因而a并非里层人格。b是与我们观众同一层次的（可以直接对话）存在，也是一个静止的对象。其次，a对叙述是不自知的，电影中虽然有a和安妮•霍尔一起看满嘴跑火车的前男友如何勾搭安妮•霍尔的段落，但这还是由b完成的对次叙述的视觉化展现，a作为过去的“现在”不可能意识到“将来”的超叙述层次。最重要的是，b虽然是叙述者，但放在开头引用的那段话的语境中，b依然是表层的喜剧人格（开场便确定了他是超叙述中的喜剧演员）的一部分，而不是里层人格。
既然否定了a，b作为里层人格的可能性，能不能找出第三个艾尔维并证明他的存在呢？给出直接证明是非常困难的，不妨让我们先回到电影的开头和结尾。开头，b告诉我们，他不理解他和安妮•霍尔的感情哪里出了问题；结尾，通过旁白，b告诉我们仅仅是认识安妮•霍尔这件事就已经足够幸福了。但事实上，每个看过电影的观众都知道哪里出了问题，甚至很少有人对此过程有所怀疑，因为b的叙述已经足够清晰合理，而且b根本不满足于故事结尾，这点开头就讲的再明白不过了。
这样一来，第三个艾尔维的存在就非常清晰了。b不足以支撑起主叙述部分的全部叙述，那就需要一个有别于b的潜在的叙述者来完成叙述，这个潜在的叙述者，即是所谓的里层人格——一个清醒理智的内在。
这样的结论也许会让读者感到困惑，为了避免误解，我将在之前指出的几个基本事实上，进行进一步的解释。
第三个艾尔维我们可以称之为c。首先，a是主叙述（我们可以称之为①）的主角，b是主叙述的叙述者，而c存在于把超叙述层包含在内的新的主叙述层（我们可以称之为②）的整体中，与b处于同一层次。不同的是c不进行叙述干预，c进行的是对b的叙述行为的叙述指导。其次，放到①中，a是非全知的，但b是全知的，放到②中，b并非全知的，c是全知的（在对自身的清醒认知上），而②中b是主角，他的行为就是叙述，他通过叙述和叙述干预展现他自己，因此b不再静止，是个现在时的不断行动的角色。并且，由于层是叙述的产物，所以①层内部并不遵循现实规律，但②层是叙述者所处的实在空间，可以认为就是现实世界，遵循现实规律。
c则非常接近于“隐含作者”，隐含作者是小说的真正的非实在的作者，是小说体现的所有价值取向所形成的集合的人格化说法，是由小说内部生成的静态作者。由于c并不是实在（显然不可能有两个实在的艾尔维），自然也不可能用b的方式进行直接的叙述干预。同样，由于②就是电影本身，且内容仅有b和b的叙述行为，而c的作用是对b的叙述行为进行指导，形式上是非直接的干预，所以从结果来讲，c既不作为角色在②层出现，又不在①层中直接展示自己，因此c几乎是隐身的存在。
那么，c是怎么指导b的呢？借摩尔悖论（“上周二我去看了电影，而我不相信我去了”）来讲，“我去看了电影”是对命题中的主词，也就是行动者的一种状态描述；而“我不相信我去了”是一个自我指涉的命题，它描述的是说话者的状态，因此这两个分句有不同的指涉对象。更复杂的讨论本文不会进行，放入《安妮•霍尔》中，可以变为“我知道她为什么和我分开，但我不相信我知道”，后半句描述的是b的状态，而c则是整句话的言说者。因此，在这个意义上，b可以真诚地说他“不知道”，并且由c指导“不知道”的b完成叙述动作。
最后，我还想区分一下叙述者的“可靠”的和“可信”。先说结论，b是个“不可靠”但“可信”的叙述者。沿用上一段的悖论，不自知的b作为叙述者当然是事实上“不可靠”的，但由于b确实不自知，因此他的叙述可以是真诚的，也是主观上诚实的，这样来说，b在主观上并没有想欺骗我们这件事上是“可信”的。就像卡夫卡的《城堡》中的k，由于认知上的限制和需要被认知的主体的复杂性，k不足以成为“可靠”的叙述者，但他完全“可信”。相反是《洛丽塔》中的亨伯特，他从主观上便存在欺骗的动机和意图，因此“不可信”，进而也不可能“可靠”。可能在接下来分析b的叙述干预时，读者会对b产生怀疑，但后文我为其做出的辩护可以打消这些怀疑。
一定程度上，艾尔维在电影的开头便向我们做出了合理的辩解
2.叙述主体与叙述行为
显然，a，b，c都在一定程度上代表了艾尔维，a在①中总是对着其他人发表他的各种观点，b则是通过旁白直接与我们对话，而c是我们信赖的清醒的叙述指导者。在三个人中，c毫无疑问最为可靠，a同样是可信的，而b则不太可靠也未必足够可信。但从时间上来讲，a是相对静止的过去时，他只作为被叙述的客体为我们提供关于艾尔维的事实，c过于清醒并不贴近客观上艾尔维的真实人格，b作为现在时的“运动”的艾尔维，似乎才是艾尔维的真实性格。
《安妮•霍尔》的有趣之处以及复杂性就在于，发展的人物，叙述者，隐含作者这些可以认为是同一人，而这同一个人的主体意识分散到了不同的角色上，不同的角色之间又有矛盾并且在叙述上相互干预，其中最“事实”的部分总是被最“不可信”的角色打乱，而最不可信的部分又是最贴近人物真实，同时角色的不可信行为又并不总是有意为之。正因如此，艾尔维几乎是最为复杂有趣的角色之一，我们不得不承认，一方面，这个角色总是不停地向我们袒露他的内心，他的过往，他所袒露的远多于我们见过的大多数人物。另一方面，我们却几乎不能在事实上对这个角色进行坚决的论断，因而批判也几乎成了一件不可能的事。
话虽如此，本文也不打算宣称试图理解艾尔维是件徒劳无益的事，就像尝试理解《非常嫌疑犯》里史派西的角色那样。毕竟那样的角色只是背离观众的骗子，以之为核心的电影也总是一次性消费品。不论叙述者在叙述的过程中歪曲了多少事实，使得叙述内容变得不足信，他都会不可避免地留下他无法掩盖的痕迹，即叙述这一行为本身。在《安妮•霍尔》中，因为叙述者就是艾尔维，所以我们可以很自然地通过叙述行为去接近他，接近他叙述的内容，也接近他可能下意识欺骗的部分。
艾尔维是真诚的，这点很难否认，因此我们可以相信艾尔维没有编造出新的“事实”也没有刻意歪曲原有事实，这意味着，尽管b不够可靠，主叙述依然是贴合事实的。这里需要明确的一点是，“事实”指的是以a为唯一的体验者的经历，而不是客观上的事件本身。换句话来说，可信的主叙述部分必须是由a的视角限制下的事实和b的明显直接叙述干预组成。
这里，也许读者会对“可信叙述包含b的明显直接叙述干预”这一判断感到困惑。需要说明的是，除了伪装成他人的视角外，b的叙述干预行为往往非常容易辩识。而只要它被辨别出为b的干预行为，就不会被认为是a的事实的一部分，因而对我们对事实的判断也不会造成干扰。同时，b的干预行为作为行为，也为我们提供了关于b的事实（他的思想观念）。在由b做出的行为可以直接反映b，且不干预我们判断a的事实这点上，b的明显直接叙述干预是可信的，因而是可信叙述的一部分。
我们可以稍微总结一下b主要的叙述干预行为：对过去的事实进行不改变其事件本身但改变呈现方式的叙述；直接取代a在主叙述部分向我们或其他人对话为主，或让其他不重要的角色在主叙述中突然做出他们显然不可能做到的事。很明显，他们并不属于关于a的事实部分。
但有关安妮•霍尔本人的直接叙述干预就未必能被这样带过了，电影中有三处安妮•霍尔的视角，二人阳台对话（安妮•霍尔的内心独白以字幕的方式出现），心理医生和飞机上二人摊牌（安妮•霍尔直接的内心独白）。当然，可以认为她在此后告诉过艾尔维，因此这些可以归结于可信的叙述补充，但这里的叙述补充太过清晰，似乎并不太贴合二次转述的结果，更不用说其与艾尔维的视角形成的“巧妙”的对应了。总之，不论我们秉持哪种观点，都必须承认这段补充至少是不完全可信的。
这样一来，b的不可靠叙述带来的真正的问题就出现了，尽管过去时中的a和安妮•霍尔是被可信地叙述的，但由于b的叙述行为（选取素材并控制呈现长度与衔接顺序，即剪辑，和对其他人物的叙述干预），我们对a和安妮•霍尔，以及他们的故事的看法会出现偏差。例如，a跟踪过安妮•霍尔，这个行为不符合普遍道德规范。但b在叙述的时候，没有叙述跟踪行为，采用了（喜剧性）的争吵—（安妮•霍尔）提起的上个月的争吵—争吵的结尾—b进行喜剧性的叙述干预这样的叙述结构。显然，艾尔维的道德缺陷就得到了一定的掩盖，但表面上看起来b的叙述非常自然，并且依然是诚实的。
但这里需要说明的是，b并不一定是想要欺骗我们，a不认为跟踪有什么而b不愿意面对他和安妮•霍尔的矛盾所在，这里的叙述从艾尔维的角度出发是非常自然的。b的不可靠叙述无损其主观上的真诚，因为他并不像亨伯特那样。亨伯特的不可靠叙述是面对读者（陪审团）的，他的不可靠叙述带有强烈的主观上的自我辩驳与扭曲事实的意味，并且有着明确的目的（使陪审团同情他）。除此之外，关于艾尔维不自知的欺骗（也许回避更加准确）行为，b在主叙述部分也多次提及，比如他承认爱丽丝对a的回避行为的指控。但有趣的是，面对安妮•霍尔对a找借口不愿意同居的指控，a没有直接承认，而b也不像爱丽丝那段突然借a之口承认。可以看出，一旦涉及到与安妮•霍尔有矛盾的部分，b就可能会下意识地闪烁其辞，进行巧妙的掩饰。
总的来说，b脱离了可信叙述的叙述行为大致有两类：下意识地对与安妮•霍尔的矛盾或自身的道德缺陷进行掩盖，以及（很少）不完全可信地伪装成其他正在面对a的角色的视角并进行叙述补充。其中第二类行为出现的次数非常少，而且并不影响我们对人物大体上的判断。第一类行为的危害性显然更大，但在我看来，这恰好反映了b所言的他不清楚安妮•霍尔为什么会和他分开。而且就a后来跑到洛杉矶的那一连串行为而言，很难认为艾尔维是个清醒而理性的角色。因此，以第一类行为为依据，来否认b主观上的真诚，就像在说一个人不可能真诚地言说错误的观点一样，很难被认为是有力的论证。
3.结构，喜剧性与现实主义
《安妮•霍尔》是一部典型的“伍迪•艾伦”式的喜剧电影，这个论断相信读者并不陌生。所谓“伍迪•艾伦”式的喜剧电影，虽然无法给出准确的定义，但还是可以提供几个普遍规律。首先，必须是话唠的，而且主人公的话往往是针对较为抽象的形而上话题，政治话题或者两性关系，但并不是严肃的说教。在《安妮•霍尔》中，爱丽丝和艾尔维的初见，或者艾尔维给安妮•霍尔买《拒斥死亡》并对死亡大发议论之类的段落都可以归结于此。这些段落中，主人公的话非常不合常理，但主人公本身足够严肃，又稍显自作聪明，情景与人物，行为的反差创造了喜剧性。其次，主人公往往有某种怪癖或者表面难以理解（但也许很正确）的信念，在《安妮•霍尔》中体现为艾尔维过分迷恋纽约，厌恶洛杉矶，对一些喜剧表演原则（反对加入虚假的笑声）的坚持和对颁奖的反感。还有，主人公往往会不合时宜地固执己见或突然做出非理性的举动，像艾尔维会突然撕掉自己的驾照对抗交警。以及，最突出也是最重要的，当然就是“伍迪•艾伦式”的笑话。
以上列举的几条基本都是通过台词和表演完成的、原理较为简单的喜剧桥段，只是因为伍迪•艾伦高超而独特的编剧技巧和略知识分子向的包袱，才得以自成一派。不过，在绝大多数喜剧电影中，虽然效果可能远不及伍迪•艾伦，应该都可以找到很多原理类似的段落，这些显然不是《安妮•霍尔》独有的。而《安妮•霍尔》区别于这些喜剧电影，或者说区别于绝大多数电影的地方正是它独特的叙述结构与复杂的叙述者。因此，假如要找出本片独有的喜剧性，从结构出发毫无疑问是可行的角度。
《安妮•霍尔》的叙述结构整体上并不复杂，是超叙述层—主叙述层这样的结构，而且进入主叙述层后再也没有回到超叙述层。主叙述层的主要内容是超叙述层中b的主动叙述和联想，或者b因为其他角色在主叙述对应事件中提到某一此前事件而做出的解释性的补充叙述。总体来讲，虽然①层梳理起来比较麻烦而且时间结构复杂，但叙述本身是条理清晰的，对观众而言是复杂但却不至于造成含混的。而正如之前所分析，b会对①层进行频繁的叙述干预，甚至于附身a或者控制其他角色，这些叙述干预同样是主叙述层的内容。但从支撑叙事本身上起的作用来讲，叙述干预可以认为是次要内容。
作为次要内容的叙述干预，正是其他喜剧电影所没有的。因此，由叙述干预创造的喜剧性，可以认为是《安妮•霍尔》独有的。虽然上文已有所涉及，本文接下来将会对叙述干预如何创造喜剧性进行详细的分析。
在电影的进入主叙述层之前，艾尔维告诉我们：“我以前是个相当快乐的孩子，我在布鲁克林长大，那是二战期间”。接着，镜头（正式进入主叙述层）切到坐在沙发上，过于严肃的小艾尔维；而他的母亲在激动地向心理医生控诉“他最近情绪低落”。这里，超叙述层的b的（前）旁白与主叙述的a的实际情况形成了鲜明的反差，而对于构造这样的反差，两个叙述层的结构是必要的。
旁白作为b最直接的叙述干预手段，无疑是其最直接也最富攻击性的手段。a登场前，旁白在电影中的喜剧作用可大致归结为：直接指挥镜头中人物；与画面形成反差营造喜剧效果，或对画面中的人物进行直接而尖锐的攻击营造喜剧效果，如教室段落，从学校到同学无一幸免。
不过在a正式登场后，旁白的形式就从b直接发出变为b取代a再讲出，由于多了取代a这个动作，旁白的作用和效果也就更多样了。首先，旁白作为叙述动作，起到了压缩叙述，引导叙述方向的作用。其次，“取代”作为随时可能发生的人物动作，在发生的时候会打断正常叙述的事件，其对叙述本身的破坏构成了一种“间离”式的喜剧性。而由于b取代了a，旁白不再仅仅只是以语言的形式出现，而是作为新的动作出现，就像从笑话变成了b的喜剧表演本身，提供了一种来自叙述动作的喜剧性。并且，因为此时b代替a成为了主叙述层的行动者，同时他又可以在超叙述层为主叙述层创造新的情景，所以b的行为并不局限于口头形式，他可以在自己创造的情景中进行舞台式的喜剧表演，比如突然拉出麦克卢汉来反驳在队伍后面喋喋不休的人。
上述所有喜剧手段中，舞台式的喜剧表演无疑是最为特殊的，因为这需要被叙述者同时是叙述者为前提才能实现。不过，假如认真分析的话，很多喜剧电影都可以找出类舞台式的段落，虽然它们没有《安妮•霍尔》的结构基础，这样的段落更多是在同一世界内的偶发随机事件。这样的偶发随机事件和《安妮•霍尔》的舞台式喜剧表演的区别在于，前者在整体上是突兀的，是在现实意义上不合理的段落，而后者则因为有结构基础，明显区别于现实段落，因而对现实部分和影片整体不会产生破坏性。进一步来说，《安妮•霍尔》中舞台式的喜剧段落，因为不是同一世界的偶发随机事件，形式上也变得更为自由，连场景本身的现实性都不再需要。而且，影片的现实部分本身是写实的，这又于不写实的舞台段落形成了对比，在写实—不写实间不断变化的对比结构也让舞台段落的喜剧性得以强化。这正是之前引用的短评中所言的，“凝视之下的人格反差同时强化了喜剧性和自反性，这是他的结构主义”。
不难看出，《安妮•霍尔》的结构，超叙述层—主叙述层与现实段落—非现实段落，在创造独特的喜剧性上起到了多么重要的作用。但事实上，结构的作用远不止于此，在创造写实性上，其也起到了非常关键的作用。
显然，去叙述干预的部分是更加写实的，是去间离的，而叙述干预越多，场景本身就越虚假，甚至于变成非写实的被创造物，是间离的。仔细分析的话，不难发现，b进行叙述干预行为的频率是变化的。①层开头由童年到a登场的部分中，b几乎没有中断过他的叙述干预。而在两次洛杉矶段落中，b竟然没有进行过任何叙述干预，而且后者在时间上远长于前者。从整体来看，叙述干预的密度在影片的前中段远高于后段。最后一次叙述干预时，a已经完全失去了挽回安妮•霍尔的可能，可以说是过去完成时的，非常贴合现在完成时的b，因而“取代”的间离效果已不再强烈。因此，可以认为电影的整体结构是间离—去间离的，也就是说，观众对叙述内容的距离感在不断缩小，认同感也在提升，因而强化了去叙述干预部分的写实性。
而在具体内容上，在与安妮•霍尔无关的段落叙述干预出现的频率，高于相关的段落。他没有打断过安妮•霍尔的讲话，仅有的几次叙述干预发生在讲话结束后，他甚至会顺应安妮•霍尔的话进行叙述内容的补充（闪回）。在与安妮•霍尔相关的段落中，叙述干预出现在和安妮•霍尔相处融洽的部分多于产生矛盾的部分。从内容与主轴（a与安妮•霍尔）的关系来看，叙述内容的离散程度是由高向低的，而且后半段不出现安妮•霍尔的事件多少也和她有联系。这也印证了b开头对我们所说的，他在认真梳理与安妮•霍尔相处的点滴，并尝试着找出分开的原因，因此与分开这一结果关系越密切的段落他越认真，越少插混打插。
以上论证，都是在内容的角度，以将①层视为关于a的事实与b的叙述行为的总和，即过去时中穿插现在时行为的新被叙述物为基础进行的。但假如想要对上文提到的结构基础有更清楚的认知的话，仅仅从内容的角度是远远不够的。换个角度，从②层来看，叙述行为正在进行因此①层不是静止的，而被叙述物由于必然确定在叙述行为发生前所以是静止的。因此，此时①层不应被认为是被叙述物，而应该被认为是完全现在进行时的叙述行为本身。也就是说，《安妮•霍尔》，在整体上，可以认为是一部关于叙述行为本身，完全现在进行时的电影。
《安妮•霍尔》是现在进行时的，因此，它的不可预料，灵光一现以及寻找方向的过程本身也就成了观看时获得的趣味的最重要的来源之一。观看《安妮•霍尔》时，每逢当前的叙述的方向走到终点，接下来的场景会都变得完全无法预料，可能是从小艾尔维被母亲训话突然跳到艾尔维向朋友控诉身边的“反犹”行为，或者是从与前女友的争论跳到艾尔维在厨房被虾子吓到手足无措。叙述时而偏题时而中断，回到主轴时节奏又时快时缓，而叙述中的人物又是如此不确定，作为观众的我们不得不追随叙述调整状态。在这个意义上，我们是在通过追随叙述，与作为喜剧演员的艾尔维进行亲密的互动，互动的过程中我们又得以分享他的情绪变化，而不再是隔着安全的叙述距离观看导向明确的情景以获得快乐。
从这一角度，结构也有了新的意义和作用。内容的离散程度的变化，一方面是b作为叙述者在叙述中学习并逐渐熟悉叙述的结果，反映了其从不擅长叙述的喜剧演员到成熟的叙述者这一过程；另一方面，是b作为叙述者的叙述距离和情感状态的结果。叙述距离由间离到非间离，是艾尔维与对应事件中的a的人物状态的距离变化，即从a与安妮•霍尔相恋（b与此时的a完全处于相反的情感状态）到a失去安妮•霍尔（a成为了b）。 同样，叙述整体由轻松的，喜剧的转变为感伤的，悲剧的，这也是艾尔维对在不同阶段的他和安妮•霍尔的关系的情感反应的结果。电影后半段的情感力量也由此而来，当叙述中断，叙述者连叙述这一责任都已暂时忘却的时候，我们便和他一起，看着安妮•霍尔的表演，或者伴随着她的歌声片段式地回忆往昔时光。在这样一部不断运动的电影中，这些静止的时刻，从结构中获得了情感的力量，让我们得以进入无可挽回的感伤和怀缅情绪中。
因此，没有观众会指责艾尔维压轴的笑话是如此“不好笑”，以及后半段几乎压过喜剧性的伤感情绪。叙述是一个进行时的动作，它永远是叙述主体的意志外化的产物。在目睹原本出色的喜剧叙述发生不可抑制的“失败”变化时，我们便与叙述主体一同分享了他的内在的崩溃。这是超越叙述控制的深刻共情，叙述控制只能把我们困在叙述者的言说中，言说的极限就是我们的极限。而当叙述主体透过叙述的裂缝，作为客体被我们突然捕捉到时，我们与他便获得了超越言说的联系，言说作为桥梁与限制在此都被取消，我们几乎是把自己投入一个拒绝言说自己的客体，然后成为他。而在所有媒介中，再没有一个，能比电影更加直接地呈现叙述这一动作，它的语气，语调，速度，变化以及停顿，或者说它的“运动”本身。在体验“运动”本身时，我们与叙述的距离也天然地有所减小，因此能更直接地体验背后的情感。从这一角度来讲，《安妮•霍尔》的情感力量是电影的，并且只能是电影的。
通常，“理解”一个人物总是意味着，我们能清晰地把握他的内在，就像归纳出一套物理规律那样。尤其是在好莱坞电影中，成熟的叙述模式，清晰的人物转变，几乎没有任何留给神秘的余地。这种对解释和“理解”的强制性需求，把人物从复杂的不确定的主体，降格成了叙述拼图中形状固定不可或缺的一块。同时，一个确定的叙述模式，总是指向一个确定的道德价值体系。叙述模式的发展与成熟，就是价值体系的完善与确定。但只有叙述模式总是要服从一套道德价值体系，现实则拒绝被任何价值体系指导运行。现实总是含混的，清晰的叙述模式本身在就是背离现实，越清晰越背离。而个体经验总是比被言说物更贴近个体，也更贴近个体的现实。个体经验有时即使不够确定，却也因被言说而被限制了体验的广度和深度。因此，以“不言说”的方式，将读者的有限经验引入，从而创造真实的体验深度，这无疑能够更贴近现实的一种方式。假如从创造真正的个体经验，以接近真正的从个体出发的主观世界的逼真性的立场出发，《安妮•霍尔》毫无疑问是一部真正杰出的现实主义电影。
论述至此，已经稍微脱离了电影本体，并且我无意于扩充刚才的讨论。因为在我看来，任何我能做出的理论上对这部电影的拥护，都比不过这部电影美妙的结尾。
在本文开头那段申辩后，艾尔维告诉我们：“有趣的是，我的确又遇见过安妮”。伴随着他的旁白，我们再一次进入了现实部分，关于他和安妮•霍尔的最后一次见面。之后的段落由三个新镜头和一组蒙太奇组成，顺序为镜头1—镜头2—蒙太奇—镜头3，配乐是（从艾尔维看完戏剧那刻响起的）安妮•霍尔的第二次献唱，蒙太奇则是由之前出现过的现实镜头组成。
镜头1
镜头2
镜头3
三个新镜头分别是大远景，远景，大远景，后两个镜头还有明显的前景遮挡，叙述距离明显。镜头1距离最远，内容为安妮•霍尔与男友和艾尔维与女友在电影院再会。镜头2距离最近，内容为安妮•霍尔和艾尔维坐在咖啡馆中愉快地交谈。镜头3距离远，从前景遮挡来看，视角的出发点似乎是镜头2中二人交谈的位置，内容为二人告别。整个镜头就像是艾尔维停在二人最后交谈的地方看着最终分别的二人，因而也有了几分留念的意味。可以看出，这段的叙述距离的变化是疏远—贴近—最接近（蒙太奇段落）—疏远。疏远的部分是艾尔维厌恶的新男友与分离，而贴近的部分则是二人短暂的交谈和过去。因此，随着叙述距离和内容的变化，我们也和此时的艾尔维一样，陷入了对过去的缅怀，伤感和留恋之中。
更直观的镜头3，by Anne Benjamin
有趣的是，镜头3中有一个非常奇妙而贴切的隐喻。艾尔维站的位置恰好有个红绿灯，上面显示着“DON’T WALK”，而且在安妮•霍尔离开前一直是红灯，直到艾尔维转身离开镜头才改变（见下图）。而在这一段中，b对我们说的却是，“之后，天有点晚了，我们都得回去了。但再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到了她是多么好的人，以及仅仅是能认识她（just knowing）就是一件多么有趣的事”。听上去就像他并不怎么遗憾，也没有多少留念的意味。所以这一幕看起来就像是，之前一直隐形的c，在电影结尾，终于忍不住越过了b的自欺欺人，说出了艾尔维最真实的愿望—希望安妮•霍尔不要离开。
不过说到底，这种理解方式，或是说本文一直在尝试的对这部电影的有机性和整体性的辩护，都只是一个理解电影的方向，而不是对电影的完美的解读。毕竟就像艾尔维所言，我们总是试图通过艺术来表达完美，因为在真实生活中完美非常困难。希望能读到这里的读者（感谢你们抽出时间）能有所收获，也欢迎各位对本文进行批评指正。
最后，感谢豆瓣友邻（部分为化名，非豆瓣id）卡夫卡老师，“巴赞”，门之海，“列车员”，chaos在本文写作前以及过程中对我提供的帮助和意见，尤其感谢推荐参考书目的卡夫卡老师，和提出了很详细的批评的chaos和门之海（他甚至对我原本写的感谢名单都提出了修改意见），感激不尽。
6 ) 英文台词
There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort -One of 'em says, “The food at this place is really terrible.” -The other one says, “Yeah, I know. And such small portions.” -That's essentially how I feel about life -Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness -And it's all over much too quickly -The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx -I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. -It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member -That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women -Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind -Cos I turned , and I guess I'm going through a life crisis -I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top -That's about the worst you can say about me -I think I'm gonna get better as I get older -I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type -as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance -Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth -who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag -screaming about socialism -Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that -I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind -examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? -A year ago we were… in love, you know -And… It's funny… I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character -I… I… You know… -I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess -I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II -He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything -- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker -It's something he read -Something he read, uh? -- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? -The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart -and that will be the end of everything -What is that your business? -He stopped doing his homework -- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? -You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! -It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy -And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? -My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. -But I was brought up under the roller coaster -in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. -Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. -I have a hyperactive imagination. -My mind tends to jump around a little. -I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. -My father ran the bumper car concession. -There he is. -And there I am. -I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. -I remember the staff at our public school. -We had a saying: “Those who can”t do, teach, -and those who can“t teach, teach gym.” -And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. -I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. -Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. -And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. -And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. -Seven and three is nine -Even then, I knew they were just jerks. -In I had already discovered women. -He kissed me! He kissed me! -That's the second time this month! Step up here -- What did I do? - Step up here! -You should be ashamed of yourself -Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity -Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds -I did -For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period -Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it -Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy -Tell the folks where you are today -I run a profitable dress company -Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. -I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company -I sell tallises -I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict -I'm into leather -I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. -They did not take me in the army. I was… Interestingly enough… I was -p -In the event of war, I'm a hostage -You always only saw the worst in people -You never could get along with anyone in school -You were always out of step with the world -Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world -I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, “Jew.” -You're crazy -We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife -He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, “Jew.” -Alvy, you're a total paranoid -I pick up on those kinda things -I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, “Did you eat yet or what?” -And Tom Christie said, “No. D'you?” -Not “Did you”. “D'you eat?” “D'you?” -Not “Did you eat?” but “D'you eat?” “Jew?” You get it? “Jew eat?” -- Max… - Stop calling me Max -Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything -I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy -looking at me in a funny way and saying, “We have a sale this week on Wagner.” -Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly -Right, Max -California, Max -- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it -We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there -No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage -is that you can make a right turn on a red light -Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? -I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes -Are you on television? -Once in a while. Occasionally -- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter -You were on the… uh… The Johnny Carson, right? -Once in a while, you know -What's your name? -I'm… I'm Robert Redford -Come on! -Alvy Singer. It was nice… Thanks very much for everything -Hey! -What? -This is Alvy Singer! -Fellas, you know… -This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? -- Give me a break. - This guy's on television -I need a large polo mallet -- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. -Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? -- What programme? - Can I have your autograph? -- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend -Make it out to Ralph -- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder -You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? -Alvy Singer over here! -It's all right, fellas -Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? -- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. -- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! -please. I have a headache, all right? -You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period -Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! -A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it -- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago -That's it. Forget it. I can't go in -- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already -I can't go in in the middle -We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish -- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in -- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside -Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed -All right. So what do you wanna do? -I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? -Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. -Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis -Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish -Cos… Cos I'm anal -That's a polite word for what you are -We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best -It lacks a cohesive structure -You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say -I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker -Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery -I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke -Well, stop listening to him -He's screaming his opinions in my ear -Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. -I found it incredibly… indulgent -He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers -The key word here is indulgent -Without getting… -- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept -- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock -Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? -I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? -Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? -It's like Samuel Beckett -I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level -- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! -He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks -You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy -you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. -Weltanschauung is what it is -probably on their first date -probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. -Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman -who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy -Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn -OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem -I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? -It's the influence of television -Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high… -high intensity. You understand? A hot medium… -What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it -What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? -Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country -Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? -The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan -Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. -So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity -Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here -Just let me… Come over here a second -I heard what you were saying -You know nothing of my work -You mean my whole fallacy is wrong -How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing -Boy, if life were only like this! -June th, . The German army occupies paris. -All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. -Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave -To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much -Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture -The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card -and you'd tell 'em everything -That movie makes me feel guilty -Yeah, cos it's supposed to -Alvy… -What? What… What's the matter? -I don't… I don't know -It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time -Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice -There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy -When we first started going out, we had sex constantly -We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. -Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all -You've been married before. You know how things can get -You were very hot for Allison at first -You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about minutes -Excuse me. When do I go on? -Who are you? -Alvy Singer -I'm a comedian -Oh, comedian. Yeah -Oh. You're on next -What do you mean, next? I'm… -You're on right after this act -No, it can't be. Because he's a comic -Yes -- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? -No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian -It's OK -No. Because they're laughing. So I'd… rather not -Will you relax? They're gonna love you -I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him -They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out -I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? -- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? -Jesus! -What's your name? -Allison -Yeah? -Allison what? -portchnik -- That's nice. - Thank you -Allison portchnik -So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? -No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis -On what? -political Commitment in th-Century Literature. -You're like… New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual -Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? -The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented… -Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself -No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype -Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left -I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly -- I think you're cute. - Do you? -Go ahead -I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos… -I'm not essentially a political comedian at all -I interestingly had… dated a woman -in the Eisenhower administration briefly -And it was ironic to me cos… -Cos I was trying to do to her -what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years -I'm sorry. I can't go through with this -I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me -I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention -But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository -and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound -So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? -It doesn't make sense! -I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough -to hit a moving target at that range -But… -if there was a second assassin… -- That's it! - We've been through this -They recovered the shells from that rifle -OK. What are you saying now? -Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? -Well, why not? -Yeah. Earl Warren? -Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren -Lyndon Johnson? -Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have -It's like a notch underneath child molester -Then everybody's in on the conspiracy -The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies -and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House -I would leave out the men's room attendant -You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me -Oh, my God! -She's right -Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? -She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent -Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member? -Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! -It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house -Stop it! Go for that one there -Maybe we should call the police. Dial . It's the lobster squad -They're only baby ones, for God's sakes -- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! -- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! -Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator -It'll turn up in our bed at night -Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! -Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish -Hey, look. put it in the pot -I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! -You think we're gonna take him to the movies? -Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you -OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot -Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator -I can't get it out. This thing's heavy -Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out -I'm gonna get my camera -I think if I could pry the door off… -We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around -Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! -pick this lobster up. Hold it, please -You're gonna take pictures now? -Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! -Oh, God! That's disgusting! -One more, Alvy. please! -Oh, good! Good! -Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? -Oh, no. No, no -Really? Who was? -There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School -Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? -You should have seen what I looked like then. -I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. -Then there was Jerry, the actor. -Look at you. You're such a clown -I look pretty -You always look pretty. But that guy… -Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious -Like a kind of liberating consciousness -It's like a visual poem -Is he kidding with that crap? -Oh, right -I think I know exactly what you mean when you say “religious” -You do? -- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year -It's like when I think of dying -- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? -I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals -Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! -Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional… -I don't think you like emotion too much -Touch my heart… with your foot -I may throw up -He was creepy -I think you're pretty lucky I came along -Oh, really? Well, la-de-da -If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl -who used expressions like la-de-da… -You really like those New York girls -- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them -There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton -The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell -Two more chairs, they got a dining room set -- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV -Is that paul Goodman? No -Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book -Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. -I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. -Commentary. -Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. -No jokes. These are friends, OK? -Here you are -There's people out there -Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead points, and now they're ahead two points -What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases -trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? -What is fascinating is that it's physical -Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant -and have no idea what's going on -But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie -as we now know -Stop acting out -It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation -and we'll be in here quietly humping -Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility -Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? -He said, as he removed her brassiere -There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! -Oh, my God -What would they think? -Damn siren! -OK. Don't get upset -Dammit! I was so close! -Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down -You wanna have them shut down the airport too? -No more flights so we can have sex? -I'm too tense. I need a Valium -My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York -We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous -You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner -The screens with the dead moths behind 'em -You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry -OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? -It's quiet now. We can start again -I can't. My head is throbbing -- You got a headache? - I have a headache -Bad? -- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! -Where are you going? -I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers -Max, my serve will send you to the showers early -The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism -Max, the city is terribly run -I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin -Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism -The rest of the country sees New York -as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers -I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here -Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun -Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad -Sun, milk, red meat, college -I know, but I… -Egad. Here he comes -You know Alvy? This is Janet -This is Annie Hall -This is Alvy -Who's playing with who? -You and me against them? -- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons -Hi! -Well… -Bye -You play very well -Oh, yeah? So do you -Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? -You say, “You play well” and then right away I have to say, “You play well.” -Oh! -God, Annie. Well… -Oh, well -You want a lift? -Oh, why? -You got a car? -Me? No. I was gonna take a cab -Oh, no. I have a car -You have a car? -I don't understand. If you have a car, so then… -why did you say, “Do you have a car?” Like you wanted a lift? -I don't… I don't… -Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't… -It's… I've got this VW out there -What a jerk! Yeah -Would you like a lift? -Sure. Which way are you going? -Me? Downtown -I'm going uptown -Well, you know, I'm going uptown too -You just said you were going downtown -Sorry -I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! -Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone -So where do you know Janet from? -- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? -Well, I do commercials, sort of -- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls -- Where? - Wisconsin -You're driving a tad rapidly -Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good -- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks -Hey, don't… No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! -- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? -Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving -Oh, you do? -I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility -Nice car. You keep it nice -Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? -Huh? Oh, yeah -I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space -That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here -- You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah -That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot -Well… -Thank you -You're a wonderful tennis player and… -you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life -Anyplace. Europe. The United… Anyplace. Asia -- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? -Oh, well, it's a… This tie is a present from Grammy Hall -Who? Grammy… Grammy Hall? -Yeah, my grammy -Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? -- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? -My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks -Well… -Thank you again -Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? -I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late -No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure -I've got time. I've got nothing… till my analyst appointment -Oh, you see an analyst? -Yeah. Just for years -I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes -… Nah! Come on! -Yeah? Really? -Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide -was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality -Oh, sorry -I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat -Neat? I hate to tell you, this is -“Neat” went out, I would say, at the turn of the century -Who are those photos on the wall? -Oh! Well, you see now… that's my dad -That's Father. And that's my brother Duane -- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane -And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie -- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie… -Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George -George was real sweet. He had that thing… -What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? -- Narcolepsy. - Right, right! -So anyway… George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey -The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time -because he was shell-shocked in the First World War -Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey -But the thing is, is that he falls asleep -and he never wakes up! -So… so he's dead! -He's dead. Yeah -Oh, dear -Well… Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful -It's a great story, though. It really made my day -I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing -Really? Well, maybe… -You know, I… -- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything -Didn't you take a shower at the club? -Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place -Why not? -Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man -Oh, I see. I see -I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -You never know what's gonna happen -- years, huh? - years, yeah. That's… -God bless -You're what Grammy Hall would call “a real Jew” -Thank you -Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money -But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you -So did you do those photographs in there or what? -Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! -They're wonderful, you know. They have a… a quality. You are a great-looking girl. -Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. -photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. -And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet -Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. -The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don“t know what l”m saying. She senses lm shallow. -Well… to me… I mean, it's… it's… It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. -I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much -Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! -Well, I don't know -I guess you must be sort of late, huh? -You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I… -- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? -Oh, uh, no -Oh, I'm sorry! I have something -What about Saturday night? -Nothing. No, no -You're very popular, I can see -- I know. - Do you have plague? -Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks -I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a… -But I'm thinking about getting some cats -Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! -Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna… -I'm gonna sing. Yeah -You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? -- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come -- Oh, no! - I'm interested -I'm just… I'm auditioning at this club. I don't… -- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like -You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun -It had to be you -It had to be you -I wandered around -And finally found -The somebody who -Could make me be true -Could make me be blue -And even be glad -Just to be sad -Thinking of you -I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! -So the audience was a tad restless -What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! -They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! -- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice -- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific -I never even took a lesson, either -Hey, listen. Give me a kiss -- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later -There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move -So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat -- We'll digest our food better. - OK -So now we can digest our food -I'm gonna have the corned beef, please -Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread -with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce -So… your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? -Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure -And your first wife? Allison? -She was nice, but… That was my fault. I was just… I was too crazy -That was so nice -That was nice -As Balzac said, “There goes another novel.” -You were great -Yeah. I'm wrecked -- You're wrecked! - I mean it -I will never play the piano again -It was… I don't know. You really thought it was good? -Yes -That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing -Here. You want some? -No. I… I don't… use any major hallucinogenics because I… -took a puff about five years ago at a party and… -Tried to take my pants off over my head -Something got in one ear -Well, I don't really… I don't do it very often -It just sort of relaxes me -- You're not gonna believe this, but… - What? -I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them -- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there -Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me -I have a very pessimistic view of life -You should know this if we're gonna go out -I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable -Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases -And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life -And the miserable is everyone else -So you should be thankful that you're miserable -You're very lucky to be miserable -Look at that guy -In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there -He's just come back from the gin rummy finals -placed third -Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance -- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia -Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think -“Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.” -There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest -You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy -- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are -You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse -What does that mean? I don't know what that is -You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure -in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose -If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited -You know what? I like you -I really do like you -Do you love me? That's the key question -I know you've only known me a short while -I think that's sort of… Yeah. Yeah, yeah -Do you love me? -Love is… too weak a word for… the way I feel -I lurve you. You know, I loave you -I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent… -Of course I do. Don't you think I do? -I don't know -You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? -Of course -- But why? - I'm moving in with you -- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment -- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs -Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing -You know, bugs are… Entomology is a rapidly growing field -- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? -- Whose idea was it? - Mine -It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately -I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? -No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together -Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? -- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment -We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it -It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married -That little apartment is $ a month, Alvy -- That place is $ a month? - Yes, it is -It's got bad plumbing and bugs -Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it -- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous -Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? -Adult education's a wonderful thing -You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating -Does this sound like a good course? -“Modern American poetry”? -Or let's see now. Maybe I should take… -“Introduction to the Novel” -Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. -Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? -Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? -We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something -Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette -Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday -- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No -If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful -I get too wonderful for words -I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love -- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed -- before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? -Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it -You've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time -- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? -- No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once -Wait. I got a great idea -Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact -A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city -which I think is gonna be perfect -There. Create a little old New Orleans essence -Now we can go about our business here -and even develop photographs if we want to -- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? -I don't know. It's like you're removed -- No, I'm fine. - Really? -I don't know. You seem sorta distant -Let's just do it, all right? -Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? -Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? -While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing -- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body -Yeah, but I want the whole thing -Well, I need grass -Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass -I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high -it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing -- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? -We're supposed to be making love -This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you -Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good -Let me explain how I work -I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out -You know you're gonna fall down -But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very… I'm kinda classy -Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like… -place looks wonderful from here -And you folks look wonderful from here -And seeing you there with a smile on your face -Makes me shout “This must be the place” -Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you -“I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.” -“The word to remember is Jeanne d”Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom -“I met a big lumberjack…” -Jesus! This guys pathetic. -Look at him mincing around. -He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. -If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. -I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. -Lm in the wrong business. I know it. -“But… chéri…” -“What will I do with this?” -“Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!” -They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? -Where am I? I have to reorient myself -This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always… tense… -I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University -And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year -for cheating on my metaphysics final -I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me -My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman -locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles -I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis -I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself -But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian -If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss -Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was… -- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful -And I'm starting to get more of the references too -Are you? Well, the o'clock show's completely different -I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father -- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so -I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner -I think they're gonna really like you -It's a nice ham this year, Mom -Oh, yeah -Grammy always does such a good job -A great sauce! -It is. It's dynamite ham -We went over to the swap meet -Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames -We really had a good time -Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -Yes. I'm making excellent progress -pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib -- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day -And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual -That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie -- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes -I can't believe this family -Annie's mother is really beautiful -And they're talking swap meets and boat basins -And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater -They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything -Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water -Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? -- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? -Is that an excuse? Diabetes? -The man is years old and doesn't have a substantial job -- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? -Sure! Defend him! -pass the wurst there -Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary -You don't say! -How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? -- We fast. - Fast? -No food. To atone for our sins -What sins? I don't understand -To tell you the truth, neither do we -Alvy -Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? -This is my room -Oh, yeah? It's terrific -Can I confess something? -I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand -Sometimes when I'm driving -on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me -Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly -head-on into the oncoming car -I can anticipate the explosion -The sound of shattering glass. The… -flames rising out of the flowing gasoline -Right. Well… -I have to go now, Duane, because I… -I'm due back on the planet Earth -- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy -- He is adorable. - Do you think so? -- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink -Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get… -- You followed me. - I didn't follow you -You followed me! -I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following -- What is your definition of following? - I was spying -- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy -That is the worst kind of paranoid -I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school -You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? -You're having an affair with your professor -That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? -Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! -It's all mental masturbation -We finally get to a subject you know about -Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love -We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat -Neat. Are you years old? -- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! -Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass -You've always had hostility towards David -- You call your teacher David? - It's his name -It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? -Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment -You don“t think l”m smart enough. -We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? -- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? -Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman -I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up -I told her about the family and my feelings towards men -and my relationship with my brother -She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? -I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested -She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children -Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love -All this happened the first hour? -I've been going for years. I don't have… nothing like that -I told her my dream and then I cried -You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic -I whine. I sit and I whine -In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe -- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me -Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer -It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself -It's a perfect analytic kind of insight -She said your name was Alvy Singer -- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you -Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses -You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? -God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him -Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice -What did the doctor say? -I should probably come five times a week -I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? -- Will it change your wife? - My life -- You said, “Will it change my wife?” - I said, “Will it change my life?” -- You said wife. - Life! I said life -She said, “Will it change my wife?” You heard that, so I'm not crazy -I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously -because you don't think I'm smart enough -Why do you always bring that up? -Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? -You meet wonderful, interesting professors -Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney -I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher -And why are you following me around? -- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits -That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong -She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? -It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades -Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought -I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed -does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? -We use a large vibrating egg -A large vibrating egg? -Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! -Here. You look like a very happy couple -- Are you? - Yeah -So how do you account for it? -I'm very shallow and empty -and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say -- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting -So you've managed to work out something, huh? -Well, thanks very much for talking to me -Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. -My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. -I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. -- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? -You're always leaning on me to improve myself -You must be getting your period -I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character -Can't I be upset once in a while? -Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date -I don't wanna go out with any other women -I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. -I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan -I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills -Especially when he sang, “She takes just like a woman.” -“And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.” -“And she aches just like a woman.” -“But she breaks just like a little girl.” -After that, the most charismatic event I covered -was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden -- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? -Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis -You have a raccoon? -A few -The only word for this is transplendid -It's transplendid -I can think of another word -He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers -who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment -Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem -I'm a Rosicrucian myself -I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. -Look. There's God coming out of the men's room -It's unbelievably transplendid! -I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy -Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing -where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes -I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish -Oh, no. Don't be… Don't be silly. You know, I… -I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now -Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience -Oh. Thank you -I mean that as a compliment -I think… I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm -You know, to make up for empty areas in life -Who said that? -I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb -Oh, hi! -Uh… no. What… -What's the matter? -You sound terrible -No. Sure, I… -What kind of emergency? -No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now -Just stay there. I'll come right over -It's me. Open up. Are you OK? -What's the matter? Are you all right? -There's a spider in the bathroom -What? -There's a big, black spider in the bathroom -You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? -You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around -Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? -I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray -You never know who's gonna crawl over -And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher… -Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired -You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything -An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake -Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? -Oh, yeah? Really? -How'd you like it? -Was it… I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? -It was just great -Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert -to come over and kill the spider? -I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? -Since when do you read the National Review? -- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view -Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider -Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? -Not only that. You look thin and tired -It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed -I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency -I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began -Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? -Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? -Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for… -I got the good chocolate -- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom -Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times -Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was , OK? -It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them -I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? -It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick -- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion -What, are you joining a minstrel show? -Don't worry! -I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? -What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? -- Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't… -What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? -What's the matter? -I don't know. I miss you -- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah -- Alvy? - What? -Was there somebody in your room when I called you? -- What do you mean? - Was there… I thought I heard a voice -I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set -I was watching… -Alvy, let's never break up again -I don't wanna be apart -I think we're both much too mature for something like that -Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? -No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? -Better than either one of my marriages -There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great -You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun -I mean, I know it's hard. It's… -Alvy, what about… what if we go away this weekend? -Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? -We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you -Yeah, it would -Oh, my God! It's a great day! -Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! -I've never even been to Brooklyn -I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard -I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard -They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it -I used to lose my glasses a lot -Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live -Holy cow! -You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store -I have some very good memories there -Your mother and father fighting all the time? -Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things -- You fired the cleaner? - She stole! -She's coloured! They have enough trouble! -- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! -- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! -How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? -She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! -She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? -- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max -Leo, I married a fool! -Hey, Max. What's that? -That's the welcome-home party, , for my cousin Herbie -Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend -He was always bothering me when I was a kid -Joey Nichols. See? Nickels -See? Nickels -You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name -Just think of Joey Five Cents -That's me! Joey Five Cents! -What an asshole -The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie -I was always the sister with good common sense -Tessie was always the one with personality -When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie -Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt -She was once a great beauty -Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality -I was a great beauty -- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming -There were many men interested in you? -Oh, I was quite a lively dancer -That's very hard to believe -Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday -- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close -Yeah, but no presents till midnight -I wonder what this is -- Happy birthday. - What is this? -Is this a present? Are you kidding? -- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't… -- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life -- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present -Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? -- Check it out. - Let me see -OK. Let's see -Oh, God! -You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific -Just put on the watch and the… and that thing and everything -Oh, God. Oh -Seems like -Old times -Having you -To walk with -Seems like -Old times -Having you to walk with -And it's still a thrill -Just to have my arms around you -Still the thrill -That it was the day I found you -Seems like -Old times -Dinner dates and flowers -Old times -Staying up all hours -Making dreams come true -Doing things we used to do -Seems like old times -Here with -You -Thank you -You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great -And… and you know… you were sensational -Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience -It makes it really easy for me because I can be… -Excuse me -Hi, I'm Tony Lacey -We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set -Oh, yeah, really? -I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot -That's really nice. Thanks a lot -Are you recording? Do you… Are you with any label now? -Me? No -No. Not at all -Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance -- possibly working together. - Well, that's nice -Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? -No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours -Thank you very much -This is Shaun and Bob and… Bob and petronia -Hi -We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre -We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink -If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you -We can just sit and talk. Nothing… -Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow -Remember we have that thing -What thing? -Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were… We had a… -Oh, the thing! -Yeah… -Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time -Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there -It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it -Nice to have met you. Good night -Bye -What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? -I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun -It would be nice to meet some new people -I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow -I have a tendency to… If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot -It's not good for my… -So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? -That was the last day I remember really having a good time -- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied -- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? -- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week -- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me -Then… I don't know… Six months ago I would have done it just to please him -I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb -But the thing is, since our discussions here -I feel I have a right to my own feelings -I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself -I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed -I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it -So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him -If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings -She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress -Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman -I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? -Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it -Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose -There's the nasal membrane -- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? -I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome -- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new -You didn't say it couldn't be sick -Come on, Alvy -Do your body a favour. Try it -I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it -And they were a million laughs -Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write -It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California -Oh, you know, we're going to California next week -It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know -On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV -No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television -You act like you're violating a moral issue -We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me -Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? -Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot -How much is this stuff, incidentally? -It's about $, an ounce -Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never… -I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max -I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi -And the women are like the women in playboy magazine -only they can move their arms and legs -I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills -The architecture's so consistent -French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese -God! It's so clean out here -They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows -Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas -Can you believe this is Christmas? -It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally -Santa Claus'll have sunstroke -Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging -There's no economic crime -But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here -While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show -And we're invited to a big Christmas party -All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here -… limousine to the track break down? -A little bigger -Max, you realise how immoral this all is? -- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs -… home so early. -Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie -We do this show live in front of an audience -And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny -That's why this machine is dynamite -Honey, you“d better lie down. You”ve been in the sun too long. -Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here -And then a big hand -Is there booing on that? -Oh, Max -I don't feel well -- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got… very dizzy -- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down -Oh, Jesus! -- Are you all right? - I don't know -- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning -- How about a ginger ale? - Oh… Max, no -Maybe I'd better lie down -Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken -Oh, no. I can't eat this -I'm nauseous -If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours -I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show -There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell -You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious -- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor -Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine -They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you -Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? -- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything -- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here -Can I have the salt, please? -perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two -Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on -This is not bad, actually -Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house -My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles -I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy -I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie -All the good meetings are taken -Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money -to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea -Like this house, Max? -I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom -You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party -What difference does that make? -- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max -- he goes with that girl over there. - Where? -The one with the VpL -Visible panty Line -- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max -- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max -The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering -How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson -Yeah. Intensive care ward -My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye -If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole -- Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? -- Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST -- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything -I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis -- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? -- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy -You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here -We're gonna operate together -We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album -I don't know. This is strange to me -You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have -- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? -I don't know -Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting -This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts -You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond -- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger -Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing -That's great -- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there -I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but… It's so dirty now -I'm into garbage. It's my thing -This is a really nice screening room, Tony -There's another thing about New York -If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing -We saw Grand Illusion here last night -Hey, that's a great film if you're high -Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing -No, thanks, man. I'm cool -It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day -And gradually you get old and die -It's important to make an effort once in a while -Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? -A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite -Yeah. I forgot my mantra -That was fun. -I don“t think California”s bad at all. -Its a drag coming home. -A lot of beautiful women. -It was fun to flirt. -I have to face facts. -I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. -Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. -What do I need this? -If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. -If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. -Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. -Alvy, let's face it. You know… -I don't think our relationship is working -I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark -It has to constantly move forward, or it dies -And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark -Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? -If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine -It sure has… You wrote your name in all my books -cos you knew this day was gonna come -Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do -No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt -All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine -Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? -Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm -Oh. Thanks, Annie -Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us -to explore new relationships and stuff like that -There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot -My analyst thinks this move is key for me -And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her -Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? -And you know what the beauty part is? -- We can always get back together again. - Exactly -I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends -Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours -Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon -Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan -I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake -She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey -Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there -- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard -He may have… Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there -Don't tell me you're jealous -Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea -Can I show you something, lady? I have here… I found this in the apartment -Black soap. She used to wash her face times a day with black soap -Don't ask me why -Why don't you go out with other women? -Well, I tried. But it's… you know, it's very depressing -This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! -What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters -You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster -- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? - years ago -What do you mean? -Mean? -You stopped smoking years ago. Is that what you said? -I don't understand -Are you joking or what? -Central park's turning green -Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see -with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates -Listen, I… I want you to come back here -Well… Then I'm gonna come out there and get you -What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? -I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in -I… Well, I flew in to see you -Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? -Because I feel that I got a temperature -And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good -Wherever you wanna meet. I don“t care. L”ll drive in. I rented a car. -Lm driving. What do you… -What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. -I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and… -a plate of mashed yeast -You look very pretty -Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all -Well… you look nice -I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married -Oh, Alvy. Come on -Why? You wanna live out here? -It's like living in Munchkin Land -What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here -I mean, Tony's very nice -And… well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis -I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know -I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more -So… you're not gonna come back to New York? -What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. -You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you -That's right. You only gave me books with the word “death” in the title -Cos it's an important issue -Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life -You're like New York City. You're just this person -You're like this island unto yourself -I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is -If one guy is starving someplace, that's… it puts a crimp in my evening -So you wanna get married or what? -No. We're friends -I wanna remain friends -OK -Check, please! -You're mad, aren't you? -Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that -Alvy,
7 ) 安妮霍尔
“以智慧为前提，漂亮、美体、富贵”，是多数男人衡量理想女伴的标准，然而以知识份子自恃的那撮，往往认为如果缺乏和另一半的神交，那些理想的美丽始终会如烟花般退却，热情无以为继。 不否认有时知识份子的架子的确让人反感，他们通常抱着悲观主义态度生活，几乎一切都要拿来辩证唯物，否定多数，最后一无所有。
8 ) 我们都需要鸡蛋（经典台词）
伍迪·艾伦真能说呀，我听都听得口干舌燥。许多桥段反复看过几遍。至少有十次，伍迪·艾伦惹得我惊呼我操，捶床大笑。边看边记录其中的台词，一部90分钟的电影我看完花去至少200分钟。
记录的一些台词：
—我没来例假。每次我稍微有点不对劲，你就说我来例假了！
—你还可以再喊得响一点，我想那边还有一位没听见。
—我真希望现在手里有一只装满了马粪的大袜套。
—你刚才说“我们的性生活有问题”是什么意思？对于一个在布鲁克林长大的人来说，我还是比较正常的。
—非常抱歉，是我的性生活有问题，行了吧？我的性生活有问题！
—啊咳！我没读过那个，那是亨利·詹姆斯的小说，对吗？是《螺丝在旋紧》的续篇？《我的性生活》？
—我正在做我的学位论文。
—论题是什么？
—“二十世纪文学的政治任务”。
—这么说你属于纽约犹太人、左翼自由派知识分子、住在中央公园西街、上布兰德斯大学、参加社会主义夏令营、经常罢工、父亲喜欢本·肖恩的画，对吗？……如果你觉得我像个十足的白痴，你尽可以打断我。
—有意思的是，我曾和艾森豪威尔班子里的一位女士约会过，时间不长。在我看来这真是很滑稽，因为我想要对她做的事，正是艾森豪威尔在过去八年里一直对这个国家做的。
—林登·约翰逊。
—林登·约翰逊？林登·约翰逊是个政客！你知道那些家伙的道德观，他们比儿童骚扰犯还要低一个档次。
—那么每一个人都参与了阴谋？联邦调查局、中央情报局、约翰·埃德加·胡佛，还有石油公司、五角大楼，再加白宫卫生间里的服务生？
—我看卫生间里的服务生可以排除掉。
—我真受够了整晚和那些干“痢疾”活的人进行假惺惺的探讨。
—干“评论”活的人。
—哦，是吗？我怎么听说“评论”和“异议”已经合并成了“痢疾”？
—两分钟前，尼克斯队还领先14分，可现在他们只领先2分了。
—艾尔维，一帮子脑垂体变异的怪胎忙活着将一只圆球塞进一个铁圈子里究竟有什么吸引人的呢？
—吸引人的地方在于这是体力活。而有关智力的往往是，知识分子看起来很才华横溢，实际上却狗屁不通。所以，身体从不口是心非。
—（求欢未遂）为什么你总是把我的动物本能降格到心理分析的范畴？
—你网球打得很棒，但是你的车开得是我这辈子见到过的最糟的。在任何地方都是最糟的，欧洲，英国，任何地方，亚洲。不过我喜欢你的穿着。
—这条领带是格莱美·霍尔给我的礼物。
—谁？格莱美？谁是格莱美·霍尔？
—是我的格莱美奶奶。
—怎么回事？难道你是在诺曼·罗克威尔的画中长大的吗？你的格莱美奶奶？
—希尔薇娅·普拉斯，很有个性的女诗人，她的自杀悲剧在一些大学女生们看来居然很浪漫。
—她的有些诗看上去很优雅。
—优雅？我不得不提醒你现在是1975年。你知道，优雅在本世纪初就已经消亡了。
—（内心独白）天哪，我的话听上去像是调频广播。放松点！
—你星期五晚上有事吗？
—我？（惊喜）哦，没有！
—噢，对不起，等等，我有事！星期六晚上呢？
—没有，没有。
—你知道吗？我甚至没上过这方面的课。
—听着，听着，吻我一下。
—真的吗？
—为什么不？因为我们会呆到很晚才回家，是吗？我们还没有接过吻，所有总有些不自在，我会一直在想该什么时候吻你之类。所以我们现在吻一下，就可以克服紧张，然后我们就可以去吃饭了，行吗？（接吻）
—好了，现在我们可以去消化食物了。
—（做爱后）就像巴尔扎克说的：“这是一部新的小说。”
—很棒是吧？
—很棒？是的，岂止很棒，这简直是我获得的不发出笑声的最大乐趣了。
—（吸大麻）吸一口？
—不，我不用任何致幻药。因为我以前吸过一次，大概五年前在一次聚会上。
—结果呢？
—结果是我试图把我的裤子从头上脱下来，卡在我的一只耳朵上了。
—我的公寓很小。
—我知道它很小。
—而且水管坏了，还有很多虫子。
—水管坏了，很多虫子，听起来好像是坏事似的。你知道虫子是……昆虫学是一门正在快速发展的学科。
—你不愿意我和你住在一起？
—我不愿意你和我住在一起？谁这样想的？
—我。
—事实上是你这样想的，但是，我也立刻同意了。
—你不会想让我们看起来像是结婚了吧？
—有什么区别吗？
—你有你的住处，那么就是有区别。因为它在那儿，尽管我们可以不去住，可以不去管它，但是它就像一只在水面上漂着的救生筏，有了它，我们就知道我们没有结婚。
—那混蛋教《西方男人的当代危机》，这都是什么垃圾课程啊，简直令人难以置信！
—是《俄国文学中的存在主义主题》好不好？你说的真靠谱啊！
—有什么区别吗？反正都是一些精神上的自渎。
—噢，是啊，我们终于聊到你有所了解的题目了！
—咳，别贬低自渎！那是和我爱的人做爱。
—你知道，在我很小的时候，我就总是找错女人，我想我的问题就出在这里。当我妈妈带我去看《白雪公主》的时候，人人都爱上了白雪公主，而我却对刻毒的皇后一见倾心。
—快看！上帝从男洗手间出来了。
—蜘蛛在哪儿？在卫生间？
—在卫生间。……咳，别拍得稀烂。打死以后，用水冲进马桶，多冲两次。
—亲爱的，我从三十岁起就开始杀蜘蛛了，放心了吗？
—我想让你看看我的房子，我住在休·海弗纳的隔壁，麦克斯，他允许我用他的水流按摩浴缸。还有女人，麦克斯，她们都和《花花公子》里的女郎一样，所不同的是她们的手脚都会动。
—我无法相信这真的是贝弗莉山庄。天哪，这儿真干净。
—那是因为这里的人不扔垃圾，他们把垃圾都扔进电视节目里去了。
—现在它只是一个想法，我想我可以弄到钱把它变成一个概念，然后再把它转变成一种思想。
—哪一个？
—那个有“见裤线”的。
—“见裤线”？
—看得见内裤的线。麦克斯，她太漂亮了。
—是呀，她得10分，对你来说太重要了，因为你老是找只有2分的，不是吗？
—我没找过只有2分的，麦克斯。
—你习惯于找那种手里拎着购物袋、脸上戴着医生用的大口罩、嘴里嘟嘟囔囔地走过中央公园的姑娘。
—瞧，这一对怎么样？
—我想她正朝我这边看。
—要是她过来的话，麦克斯，我的脑袋瓜会变成鳄梨酱的。
—我来应付……嗨！
—艾尔维，让我们面对现实吧。你知道，我不认为我们的关系会有出路。
—我知道，这种关系我认为就像一条鲨鱼，它必须不停地往前游，否则就会死掉。我认为在我们手里的，是一条已经死掉了的鲨鱼。
—这本《麦田里的守望者》是谁的？
—如果有我的名字在上面，那么我猜就是我的。
—当然有，你在我所有的书上都写上了你的名字，因为你料到了这一天迟早会来。
—听着，所有有关死亡的书都是你的，所有有关诗歌的书都是我的。
—这本《拒绝死亡》你还记得吗？这是我给你买的第一本书。
—噢，上帝，是的。天哪，我感到我背后的负担减轻了很多。
—多谢了，亲爱的。
—咳，这个是我的，这颗徽章，还记得吗？……我想，这些都是你的，“弹劾艾森豪威尔”“弹劾尼克松”“弹劾林登·约翰逊”“弹劾罗纳德·里根”……
—再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到她是一个多么好的人，能认识她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那个老笑话，你知道，有个家伙去看精神病医生，他说：“大夫，我兄弟疯了，他以为他自己是一只鸡。”医生说：“那你怎么不把他带来？”那家伙说：“我是想带他来的，可是我需要鸡蛋呀。”你看，我想这就是现在我对男女之间关系的感觉，你知道，它是完全非理性的、疯狂的，甚至荒谬的，但是我想我们还一直要经历这一切，因为我们大多数人都需要鸡蛋。
记录的一些台词：
—我没来例假。每次我稍微有点不对劲，你就说我来例假了！
—你还可以再喊得响一点，我想那边还有一位没听见。
—我真希望现在手里有一只装满了马粪的大袜套。
—你刚才说“我们的性生活有问题”是什么意思？对于一个在布鲁克林长大的人来说，我还是比较正常的。
—非常抱歉，是我的性生活有问题，行了吧？我的性生活有问题！
—啊咳！我没读过那个，那是亨利·詹姆斯的小说，对吗？是《螺丝在旋紧》的续篇？《我的性生活》？
—我正在做我的学位论文。
—论题是什么？
—“二十世纪文学的政治任务”。
—这么说你属于纽约犹太人、左翼自由派知识分子、住在中央公园西街、上布兰德斯大学、参加社会主义夏令营、经常罢工、父亲喜欢本·肖恩的画，对吗？……如果你觉得我像个十足的白痴，你尽可以打断我。
—有意思的是，我曾和艾森豪威尔班子里的一位女士约会过，时间不长。在我看来这真是很滑稽，因为我想要对她做的事，正是艾森豪威尔在过去八年里一直对这个国家做的。
—林登·约翰逊。
—林登·约翰逊？林登·约翰逊是个政客！你知道那些家伙的道德观，他们比儿童骚扰犯还要低一个档次。
—那么每一个人都参与了阴谋？联邦调查局、中央情报局、约翰·埃德加·胡佛，还有石油公司、五角大楼，再加白宫卫生间里的服务生？
—我看卫生间里的服务生可以排除掉。
—我真受够了整晚和那些干“痢疾”活的人进行假惺惺的探讨。
—干“评论”活的人。
—哦，是吗？我怎么听说“评论”和“异议”已经合并成了“痢疾”？
—两分钟前，尼克斯队还领先14分，可现在他们只领先2分了。
—艾尔维，一帮子脑垂体变异的怪胎忙活着将一只圆球塞进一个铁圈子里究竟有什么吸引人的呢？
—吸引人的地方在于这是体力活。而有关智力的往往是，知识分子看起来很才华横溢，实际上却狗屁不通。所以，身体从不口是心非。
—（求欢未遂）为什么你总是把我的动物本能降格到心理分析的范畴？
—你网球打得很棒，但是你的车开得是我这辈子见到过的最糟的。在任何地方都是最糟的，欧洲，英国，任何地方，亚洲。不过我喜欢你的穿着。
—这条领带是格莱美·霍尔给我的礼物。
—谁？格莱美？谁是格莱美·霍尔？
—是我的格莱美奶奶。
—怎么回事？难道你是在诺曼·罗克威尔的画中长大的吗？你的格莱美奶奶？
—希尔薇娅·普拉斯，很有个性的女诗人，她的自杀悲剧在一些大学女生们看来居然很浪漫。
—她的有些诗看上去很优雅。
—优雅？我不得不提醒你现在是1975年。你知道，优雅在本世纪初就已经消亡了。
—（内心独白）天哪，我的话听上去像是调频广播。放松点！
—你星期五晚上有事吗？
—我？（惊喜）哦，没有！
—噢，对不起，等等，我有事！星期六晚上呢？
—没有，没有。
—你知道吗？我甚至没上过这方面的课。
—听着，听着，吻我一下。
—真的吗？
—为什么不？因为我们会呆到很晚才回家，是吗？我们还没有接过吻，所有总有些不自在，我会一直在想该什么时候吻你之类。所以我们现在吻一下，就可以克服紧张，然后我们就可以去吃饭了，行吗？（接吻）
—好了，现在我们可以去消化食物了。
—（做爱后）就像巴尔扎克说的：“这是一部新的小说。”
—很棒是吧？
—很棒？是的，岂止很棒，这简直是我获得的不发出笑声的最大乐趣了。
—（吸大麻）吸一口？
—不，我不用任何致幻药。因为我以前吸过一次，大概五年前在一次聚会上。
—结果呢？
—结果是我试图把我的裤子从头上脱下来，卡在我的一只耳朵上了。
—我的公寓很小。
—我知道它很小。
—而且水管坏了，还有很多虫子。
—水管坏了，很多虫子，听起来好像是坏事似的。你知道虫子是……昆虫学是一门正在快速发展的学科。
—你不愿意我和你住在一起？
—我不愿意你和我住在一起？谁这样想的？
—我。
—事实上是你这样想的，但是，我也立刻同意了。
—你不会想让我们看起来像是结婚了吧？
—有什么区别吗？
—你有你的住处，那么就是有区别。因为它在那儿，尽管我们可以不去住，可以不去管它，但是它就像一只在水面上漂着的救生筏，有了它，我们就知道我们没有结婚。
—那混蛋教《西方男人的当代危机》，这都是什么垃圾课程啊，简直令人难以置信！
—是《俄国文学中的存在主义主题》好不好？你说的真靠谱啊！
—有什么区别吗？反正都是一些精神上的自渎。
—噢，是啊，我们终于聊到你有所了解的题目了！
—咳，别贬低自渎！那是和我爱的人做爱。
—你知道，在我很小的时候，我就总是找错女人，我想我的问题就出在这里。当我妈妈带我去看《白雪公主》的时候，人人都爱上了白雪公主，而我却对刻毒的皇后一见倾心。
—快看！上帝从男洗手间出来了。
—蜘蛛在哪儿？在卫生间？
—在卫生间。……咳，别拍得稀烂。打死以后，用水冲进马桶，多冲两次。
—亲爱的，我从三十岁起就开始杀蜘蛛了，放心了吗？
—我想让你看看我的房子，我住在休·海弗纳的隔壁，麦克斯，他允许我用他的水流按摩浴缸。还有女人，麦克斯，她们都和《花花公子》里的女郎一样，所不同的是她们的手脚都会动。
—我无法相信这真的是贝弗莉山庄。天哪，这儿真干净。
—那是因为这里的人不扔垃圾，他们把垃圾都扔进电视节目里去了。
—现在它只是一个想法，我想我可以弄到钱把它变成一个概念，然后再把它转变成一种思想。
—哪一个？
—那个有“见裤线”的。
—“见裤线”？
—看得见内裤的线。麦克斯，她太漂亮了。
—是呀，她得10分，对你来说太重要了，因为你老是找只有2分的，不是吗？
—我没找过只有2分的，麦克斯。
—你习惯于找那种手里拎着购物袋、脸上戴着医生用的大口罩、嘴里嘟嘟囔囔地走过中央公园的姑娘。
—瞧，这一对怎么样？
—我想她正朝我这边看。
—要是她过来的话，麦克斯，我的脑袋瓜会变成鳄梨酱的。
—我来应付……嗨！
—艾尔维，让我们面对现实吧。你知道，我不认为我们的关系会有出路。
—我知道，这种关系我认为就像一条鲨鱼，它必须不停地往前游，否则就会死掉。我认为在我们手里的，是一条已经死掉了的鲨鱼。
—这本《麦田里的守望者》是谁的？
—如果有我的名字在上面，那么我猜就是我的。
—当然有，你在我所有的书上都写上了你的名字，因为你料到了这一天迟早会来。
—听着，所有有关死亡的书都是你的，所有有关诗歌的书都是我的。
—这本《拒绝死亡》你还记得吗？这是我给你买的第一本书。
—噢，上帝，是的。天哪，我感到我背后的负担减轻了很多。
—多谢了，亲爱的。
—咳，这个是我的，这颗徽章，还记得吗？……我想，这些都是你的，“弹劾艾森豪威尔”“弹劾尼克松”“弹劾林登·约翰逊”“弹劾罗纳德·里根”……
—再一次见到安妮，我真的很高兴。我意识到她是一个多么好的人，能认识她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那个老笑话，你知道，有个家伙去看精神病医生，他说：“大夫，我兄弟疯了，他以为他自己是一只鸡。”医生说：“那你怎么不把他带来？”那家伙说：“我是想带他来的，可是我需要鸡蛋呀。”你看，我想这就是现在我对男女之间关系的感觉，你知道，它是完全非理性的、疯狂的，甚至荒谬的，但是我想我们还一直要经历这一切，因为我们大多数人都需要鸡蛋。
四星半；将一个自大背后的龟毛男人演绎得活灵活现；貌似渊博丰富的男人对年轻女孩总有吸引力，当女孩有自己圈子、独立人格和追求，关系也告完结；几乎所有男人都奢望拥有既知性达理又年轻漂亮的完美女人，却不知自己轻重；片尾颇有“我努力想忘记你，却发现自己变成了另一个你”之意。
重看，完美，感觉很多爱情电影讲的都是同一个故事。
我们都是成年人，即使分手了也可以冷静地帮你打包东西，反正都到这个年纪了，谁没分过几次手呢；但是讨厌坐飞机的我，不敢开车的我，还是甘愿飞三千英里再开车过来求你嫁给我。你不同意，没关系，我不难过，因为我是成年人。打破第四堵墙的拍摄方式让一个虚构的故事变成现实。
要是身边有这么一个喋喋不休的话唠，真想一脚踹过去，大钉子扎脑门上，让他永远贴在墙上。
安妮霍尔那一身行头酷毙了！！（第50届奥斯卡最佳影片、最佳导演、最佳原创剧本、最佳女主角奖）
额……台词太多了反应不果来……
这姑娘笨拙的搭讪，笨拙的对他的喋喋不休表示回应，于是他爱上这个其实没那么聪明的姑娘，并试图把她变得和自己更合拍一些，然后他失败了，他失去了她。这么看起来，这其实是个普通又正常的爱情故事啊，虽然期间少不了老头的絮絮叨叨。
这个死话痨XD 多么卡通的人格。 结尾蒙太奇又多么伤感的浪漫。除去知识分子中型文青，难想象若被寻常塑料片养成废人后能够挨得住、能够消化得了这种速度:)
——真干净啊这儿（比佛利山）——当然，因为他们从不乱扔垃圾，他们留着垃圾做电视剧呢。
爱死伍迪艾伦的神经质话唠了！①知识分子式的自嘲揶揄，对白轰炸，全程合不拢嘴；②幽默调侃下悲凉心酸尽显，首尾格言式冷笑话独白，令人咋舌；③多样的视觉花招:分屏,对摄影机演说,做爱时灵魂出体旁观,人物自由出入参与闪回场景,白雪公主动画戏仿;字幕透露真实想法...④费里尼,麦克卢汉。（9.5/10）
对白信息量太大，尤其是两个初次见面在安妮家聊天时内心的真实想法和嘴上装逼说的话，真是太形象了。。。#论一个装逼青年见到心动的姑娘该如何聊天#
我一直觉得拍这部电影真的很需要勇气，就像把自己剖开展现给大家看，你的人生观、价值观，你的思想与生活经历，你的爱情，得与失。可以说是可爱的。
四星往上，这还真是我看了几部伍迪艾伦之后感觉最好最愉快的一次了，集各种小清新和小聪明之大成啊。爱情嘛，兜兜转转，有时候就这样在一起了，有时候就那样分开了，永远说不清的，再啰嗦都说不清。戴安基顿的衣服真好看！
艾维最大的毛病，在于他身上那种自相矛盾的性格。用伊索寓言里的比喻来说，他就是那只蝙蝠，蝙蝠见兽装兽，见鸟装鸟。但艾维刚好是相反，跟知识分子在一起，他觉得自己跟着这群装腔作势的家伙绝不是一路人，跟普通人在一起他又开始鄙视这些人是文盲。蝙蝠其实就是哺乳动物，艾维其实也就是个知识分子。
男：你星期五晚上有时间吗？ 女：我…应该有… 男：噢，周五我不行，周六晚上呢？
"我绝不加入有像我这样会员的俱乐部"。其实片子不大应该叫这个名字。直到现在，这部影片依然是学院奖历史上最反传统的获奖作品.这个对一次失败爱情的随心所欲的剖析之作，借鉴了从伯格曼到格劳乔·马克斯到麦克鲁汉到《白雪公主》等等。这种借鉴不仅仅在故事内容上，还包括形式上，比如角色对着摄象机
男欢女爱电影的珠穆朗玛峰，伍迪·艾伦此后所有作品感觉都只是它的衍生和变体。妙趣横生的台词，细碎的拍摄技巧，带着小知识分子的自嘲和清醒。中间那场心口不一的聊天戏实在太好笑了！（差点以为屏幕坏掉2333333）
自传性/犹太情结/对生与死、爱与罪、性与欲、道德与责任的探讨/弗洛伊德无意识理论/中产阶级知识分子的困惑/片段式结构/画外音、分屏、长镜头、中近景，心理外化，跳出情境，对着镜头喋喋不休
现实中也有不少自命不凡的知识分子（豆瓣文青）也活成了这个样子，自己都烦自己，却期盼着别人来爱自己。殊不知只有傻姑娘才会爱你，可你又十分嫌弃傻姑娘，想要把她改造成聪明姑娘，可是聪明姑娘是不会爱你的
虽然也看了很多，客观说也真的还不错，但对你们奉若大神的伍迪一直无感。为什么呢？因为他是个标准的文艺人。就是那种想打炮，喜欢打炮，还要把打炮说的不像打炮的。打炮前需要诗词歌赋撩骚，打炮后需要琴棋书画温存的人。你们这帮文艺青年啊～～～就好这口～～～